I’m back, baby!!! We’ve got a supersized Drag Race drop this week with two full episodes to discuss, dissect, and disseminate, so we’re marrying them both into one gorgeous recap-meets-power ranking. So below, I’ve ranked the girls from least likely to most likely to snatch the All Stars 9 crown.
Enjoy!
Nina West
The internet has seemingly already decided that Nina West – by all accounts an unfailingly kind and generous queen – will be its collective punching bag this season, so there’s really no need for me to pile on… but y’all mind if I give it a shot anyway? As Roxxxy succinctly puts it in the reading challenge: “with a face like that you have to be nice.” And “nice” Nina is. All her cast mates seem to love her, and the judges seem to be rooting for her to do well (or at least better), but unfortunately none of that solves the issue at hand: she’s just not that good at this! Her streak of tasteless runways in the Paint Ball was particularly hard to watch, and her Tom of Finland reference a definitive low point. In her “Drag Queens Save the World” verse Nina West sings: “If drag is a crime, then lock me up.” Oh, I plan on it…
That said, Nina’s strength ostensibly lies in acting and comedy challenges, which are sure to be right around the corner. But even in those instances, do we really believe she’s going to meaningfully outshine the likes of Angeria, Gottmik, or Vanjie (on a good day)? I’ve seen enough: Nina West will not be the winner of All Stars 9.
Shannel
Is Shannel going to win this season? No. Would I die for her? Absolutely. There’s something so magnetic to me about a queen who who is so self-serious. She’s not making cheeky jokes at her own expense in an effort to endear herself to fans, and she’s not concerned with the omnipresent “narrative” the season has in store for her. She’s just… Shannel. Las Vegas diva, and showgirl supreme. In episode one, Shannel could not dance, did not know a single one of her own lyrics, and didn’t seem to be particularly bothered by any of it. Perfection. Later, Shannel described her perfume runway with a sentence that will be rattling around my brain for days: “Shannel No. 1 is an evening aroma centered around breathing life into your authentic passion.”
Welcome back Faye Dunaway.
Vanessa Vanjie
I’m quite happy Vanessa Vanjie is around this season. She’s a ball of concentrated energy, charisma, and screen presence that can barely be contained by my TV screen (or my TV speakers for that matter.) Is her runway package at the level of most of the other competitors? Not really. But who cares! Vanjie has an uncanny ability to understand how she’s being perceived on the show. Whether consciously or unconsciously, her skill at making this sort of “metacommentary” is her superpower. Case in point, as she was flopping during the reading challenge, she looks into camera and goes: “Y’all can go ahead and cut when Ru was laughing at the other ones and add it to mine.” Amazing. Unfortunately for her, this comedic sixth sense doesn’t always translate to the hyper-specific style of humor present in the maxi challenges, leaving her at a big competitive disadvantage to queens like Gottmik or Angie, but Vanjie might surprise us yet!
Jorgeous
I haven’t thought too much about Jorgeous since her shaky run in season 14, but she appears to be much the same as when I last checked in: chic, petite, a great little dancer, and charming to boot. But by far her biggest asset in her fight for the crown is that she’s beloved by RuPaul – probably more so than any other queen in the competition. Not two episodes into the season, and Jorgeous has already picked up a challenge win and a reiteration of RuPaul’s famous "born-to-do-drag critique (the Drag Race equivalent of Damehood). I don’t know if it’s a touch of senility or RuPaul just thought it bore repeating, but it appears she really meant that shit! The comment did feel a little wild in the context of the ball challenge (given that Jorgeous was firmly high-middle of the pack), but that’s RuPaul’s daughter right there and we’d be wise not to underestimate how much that unconditional love will affect Jorgeous’ trajectory in the competition.
Angeria Paris VanMichaels
I’m curious to see where Angeria will end up this time around. So far, she’s off to a very strong start, but that’s all eerily familiar. Despite the fact that she was a finalist back on season fourteen, Angeria’s two wins were very early on, with a streak safe placements coloring her record for the remainder of her run. That said, I’m already more impressed than I was back then.
In episode one, her verse was great – she created a striking stage picture with the pit crew dancers and crafted a dynamic flow that stood out against the rest of the queens’ verses. Very smart. But her most impressive moment was at the end of the ep where she… I’ll say it, trounced Jorgeous in a lip sync to Whitney Houston’s “Million Dollar Bill.” Yes, it’s an early win, and yes she’s done it before, but this time around it was definitive. Is Episode 2 less impressive? For sure, but I hardly expect Angeria to go head to head with Roxxxy, Plastique, and Gottmik in a ball challenge.
If Angie approaches every episode with the tenacity of the premiere, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if she picked up another badge or two, and she could be a real contender for the top three.
Roxxxy Andrews
There’s something very spiritually electric happening re: Roxxxy Andrews this season. Her drag persona is more self-actualized than ever before, fans and Drag Race alumnae alike have rallied behind her, and – best of all – there’s every indication that’s she’s willing and able to meet all the expectations of her that come with with this heightened attention. Yes it’s early, but so far Roxxxy has demonstrated she’s got all the ingredients of an All Stars finalist.
Let’s just look at episode one. After an instantly iconic viral entrance line, she sweeps the reading challenge with ease (the highlight being telling Nina West “with a face like that, you have to be nice”). Then on “Drag Queens Save the World,” in a subtle wink at her infamous Read U Wrote U verse, she raps: “You wanna ban drag? Don’t waste my time / We’re doing what we love / We’re doing what you like.” It all culminates in perfectly referential runway (“Never Scent Home”), well-calibrated to be just the right balance of self-deprecating without being self-flagellating. She doesn’t pick up a win (much to my shock) but it’s enough to prove that, this season, Roxxxy has got the goods indeed.
That said, Roxxxy is pretty thoroughly outshone by the likes of Gottmik and Plastique in episode two, thus placing her at the number three spot on this list. But I’ve got my eye on Roxxxy this season. (And I will certainly not be reading the doll!!)
Plastique Tiara
I mean wow. Plastique Tiara stuns in a nearly flawless two episodes of television. In her original season, I was not as enamored with Plastique as many others were. But it seems that all it took was two hours of All Stars 9 to change my mind. She could have easily won the first challenge – in fact I think she should have. Her catchy verse is only outshined by the incredible stage picture she creates as she’s carried into frame, whipping her ponytail into a tornado as she poses in Sailor Star Healer cosplay. And topping it off with a golden angel runway where the wings mechanically move themselves? Stop playing with her!!!
I would be making far more of a stink that Jorgeous took the top spot over her, if it weren’t for her dominant performance in episode two. Make no mistake: Plastique obliterates the competition in the ball, further demonstrating her incredible eye for shape and detail. And lest you believe she’s just a model with good taste, her Paint Ball eleganza is here to prove you wrong. Plastique stuns in a Y/Project x Gaultier style maxi dress that’s paired with a jacket featuring an obscenely voluminous train hand painted with branches of a cherry blossom tree. It’s all so tastefully put together, and I can’t even imagine the skill it takes to execute a garment like that in two days.
The one mark against her? Her comedic chops. Plastique’s reading challenge was a low point, and I am truly haunted by the decision to perform Harry Belafonte’s “Jump in the Line” as if you’re Nicole Scherzinger in a Pussycat Dolls music video. But I’m not worried. Plastique’s style and drag persona have leveled up dramatically since season 11, and there’s every indication she’ll go the distance.
Gottmik
I think this might be our winner. Gottmik is the one queen this season that’s always had the whole package. Of course she’s known as a fashion diva – as evidenced by her streak of perfect runways this week – but keep in mind that she also cleaned up in the comedy challenges on her season, even winning Snatch Game.
This time around, her sensibilities seem just as refined, with a budget and contact sheet to match (straight off the runway Versace?!) She also does great in her “Drag Queens Save the World” verse, with memorable lyrics like: “Don’t waste your breath trying to silence / all stupid arguments trying to blame science / stand up, fight back, bitch we’re tyrants / you mess with me and my girls say hi to my fist.” And most importantly, RuPaul seems obsessed with her. It’s only been two weeks, but Gottmik seems well-positioned to clear this whole damn competition. I’m putting my bets on her.