Don't Make Me Over (RECAP)

RuPaul's Drag Race S16E13 "Drag Race Vegas LIVE! Makeovers"

Makeover challenge! This season, the queens must transform dancers in the Drag Race Vegas show into members of their drag family. The best makeover contestant of all time is obviously Jinkx’s army vet who confessed to the manslaughter of Judy Garland like he was on an episode of Cold Case. Your crown remains unmoved, diva!! They just don’t make gay guys like that anymore. But what these dancers lack in narcissistic delusion, they make up for in being super fucking hot. And nice or whatever. So let’s dive in!

Nymphia and Jonathan/Juanita

First up, let’s talk Nymphia who’s assigned Jonathan. I’m inclined to root for Nymphia this episode, as she does exactly what I would do in this situation (“get to know” her partner through unsubtle flirting.) “What’s your type? We can transform you into that… 🙈🤭” Nymphia asks. “My wife, 😐” Jonathan responds holding up his ring. Nymphia, you’ll get the next one, girl! Mrs. Jonathan, your man is loyal! Heterosexuality aside, Jonathan proves to be good egg. He even successfully therapizes Nymphia as she opens up about her struggle with overcoming her artistic insecurities. On the runway, the pair look gorgeous in matching purple and yellow bird-inspired corsets, complete with beaks, hats, and color-blocked leggings. The only ding the judges have to give is Nymphia’s unapologetic overreliance on yellow (a much debated topic weekly on the twitter dot com.) It bothers me much less than it does TS Madison, especially since she looks so damn good, but the inquiry alone is just enough to keep Nymphia from the win this week.

Q and Sebastian/Luna

Next up Q, who quickly manages to bond with her new daughter by being huge bitches to everyone in the room. Undeniable family resemblance, indeed ❤️. On the runway however, I found Q and Luna to be surprisingly underwhelming. Q is one of the season’s (and tbh the franchise’s) premiere seamstresses, so it’s a little baffling when she brings her drag daughter out in an oversized shawl while she herself sports a coat and a bra and panty set. Of course, the details are there: the jacket and shawl are both lined, and they’re each embellished with monster eye and teeth details. But it’s a marked step down in concept and creativity from the seasoned fashion queen. The combo of oversized shawl and clown makeup enshrouds her drag daughter: we can’t see her body or padding or the artistry of the makeup transformation… It’s a cop out from Q, and one that goes unchallenged by the judging panel. Early in the episode, Q describes this type of transformation as “a risk,” but to me it’s just the opposite. Q plays it safe this week, and indeed safe she is.

Plane Jane and Nick/Masc Dawn/Lazy Susan

Next up, Plane Jane who’s paired with gone-but-not-forgotten Dawn’s tethered Nick. I think we all knew this challenge was going to go pretty well for Plane after RuPaul went into afib upon hearing the name “Lazy Susan.” The connection between the two goes beyond surface level though: they bond over their love of dance, growing up as stoic little gay boys who found the strength to shrug off the weight of societal expectations of masculinity. Yes, it’s the plot of Billy Elliot, but it’s also quite moving. It’s impossible not to be charmed by Nick who – in his deep baritone – reaches over to Plane and says “I wanna be a hot slut.” And hot slut she becomes. On the runway, Plane dresses herself and Lazy Susan in (what else?) matching embellished leotards. But the real magic springs from their presentation. Lazy Susan is easily the cuntiest of the baby queens, positively pummeling the runway with pigtail whips, splits, and fierce over the shoulder glances. And the makeup transformation is pretty flawless as well. The garments may be simple, but Lazy Susan’s stage presence is anything but. Plane Jane should thank her lucky stars for that, because it nets her a fourth win this week.

Morphine and Miguel/Latina

The writing has been on the wall for a minute now for Miss Love Dion, but that doesn’t make this episode’s funeral procession for her any less tough to watch. Morphine is assigned to makeover Miguel, and – to her credit – she never lets the concept of “track record” knock her off her game. After all, she’s an excellent makeup artist and no one can take that away from her. Miguel is but a customer, and he’s about to cash in his complimentary Sephora Full-Face Makeover birthday gift. And Miguel’s (i.e. Latina’s) beauty is never in question. Morphine, as per usual, executes a flawless beat. The other aspects of the styling, however, leave something to be desired. The matching dresses, while well-fitting, are quite simple when contrasted with the other contestants on stage. And where Plane and Q find ways to disguise the bodybuilderesque physiques of their drag daughters, the sleeveless dress Morphine makes for Latina only serves to emphasize her massive shoulders and biceps. The wardrobe malfunction in the dance is the cherry on top, and Morphine finds herself – for the final time – in the bottom two.

Sapphira and Mark/Shakira

From minute one to minute ninety, Sapphira is alllll unshakeable confidence this episode. And most of it is pretty earned! Despite whatever setbacks may arise, Sapphira has four challenge wins. Drag Race is hardly a meritocracy, but her streak of good behavior has earned her at least one get-out-jail free card. And lucky for her, because Sapphira needs it this week. Sapphira is paired with Mark, probably one of the most stunning men I’ve ever laid eyes on. Mark has the type of face card that gets you access to VIP airport lounges, a 24/7 concierge, and a $10k annual fee. I bet he doesn’t even know drinks in gay bars cost money. Suffice it to say it’s a downhill battle to make this man look pretty in drag. But that’s not really the problem. While Mark looks gorgeous as Shakira in an orange, fringed bodysuit, Sapphira can’t quite say the same. She abandons her original blue gemstone-inspired dress on account of it being impossible to dance in, and instead opts for a ruffled 80’s prom-style dress. Between the feathers on the top of the bodice and the two layers of ruffles competing for volume on the bottom, it’s visually overwhelming and none too pleasing to look at. A shocking aesthetic departure for the usually polished Sapphira. As implausible as it once may have seemed, Sapphira lands in the bottom two this week.

Sapphira and Morphine lip sync to “Miss Me More” by Kelsea Ballerini (which I initially misread as “Kiss Me More” by Doja and SZA and got falsely excited for btw…) It’s a good lip sync, with Morphine delivering the theatrics and stage presence we know she’s capable of, and Sapphira commanding the stage with a quiet fierceness punctuated by occasional stunts (plus one wonky cartwheel). But in truth, the lip sync is over before it begins. In no world is RuPaul sending home his frontrunner seconds before the finale while she’s against a queen with no wins to her name. Even if that queen is my biological mother Morphine Love Dion. Goodbye, my queen. Flying my Sephora Beauty Insider card at half mast today.