If you’re reading this, and you have the power to invite me to events of any kind, please do. This week, I attended a conversation between Shonda Rhimes and Malala Yousafzai (thank you Threads!!), and I’ll be the first to say it… those ladies really got something to say!! I posted a cheeky Instagram story to that effect, and was bewildered to receive not one but TWO “😂” reactions from Malala herself an hour later. How many of you can claim to have made a Nobel Peace Prize winner ijbol this week? That’s what I thought.

📚 Reading: Volume 0

I love short stories. Maybe that’s why my longest relationship was 13 months (🥁). I picked up the latest edition of Volume 0 this week, featuring some delish, voice-y prose from several talented writers – including oomf Ira Madison III. Pick up a print version to read at a coffee shop (chic), and/or subscribe to their Substack.

🎥 Watching: Auteur apocalypse fiction

This weekend, I started Pluribus (the new Apple TV series from Vince Gilligan) and finished Bugonia (the latest disturbing comedic masterpiece from Yorgos Lanthimos). Spoilers below:

Both of these pieces deal with the destruction of humanity and our unwitting complicity in said destruction. But to me, the spookiest perspective they share is how they depict the apocalypses as, well, peaceful. What’s a world without the egotistical, defiant destruction humans have wrought over the last couple centuries? A release. A serene calm. Both auteurs explore – and almost yearn for – the simplicity and peaceful coexistence of “the hive mind”. I personally plan to never die or suffer in any meaningful way, but something to think about for the rest of y’all!

🗣️ Promoting: My short film

Like my peers Vince and Yorgos, I have also recently completed a dark comedy. My short is called WET FLOOR and it’s my directorial debut. I learned a lot making it and I’m excited to have it premiering on both coasts (chic).

Los Angeles Queer Film Festival – Sunday November 16th / 6:30pm / The Other Space Theater
New York Comedy Film Festival – February 15-22 / The Asylum Theater

😒 Scoffing at: IKEA “DIY Hacks” that are secretly just advanced construction

Go ahead, king, screw those Am*zon cabinet pulls to that STORKLINTA side table. Oh, what the hell, why not… take a walnut varnish to it too, you crazy slut! Ok, now you’re adeptly handling a circular saw in a well-stocked woodshed. You’ve broken out an industrial sander. You’re swapping out the top for a slab of marble?? And you’re calling this a DIY?? Leave me the HELL alone.

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🧠 Pondering: The future of Don’t Joke About That

I like Drag Race a lot. I think I’ll still talk about it more (when it’s on), but it won’t be the exclusive focus of this newsletter. If this is where we part, I’ll understand. To paraphrase Casablanca: “We’ll always have (Mariah) Paris (Balenciaga).”

In the meantime, I’d like to keep writing. This post is part recommendation, part brain dump. Leave me a comment if this is something you’d enjoy.

🔂 Outfit repeating: Washed black denim

I appear as a guest on a recent episode of Crosswalk Crush (brag), which I thought was a grownups drinking wine situation, but turned out to be a Babadook Halloween party type of vibe.

Regardless, I have no regrets showing up in my go-to outfit of the fall: a washed black denim set I purchased from California Arts last year. The jeans give you both a slutty ass waist, and also a perrrrfect leg opening for the boots (Our Legacy Camions in my case).

🌀Obsessing over: the perfect cappuccino unfortunately

The worst thing that can happen to a person has happened to me, which is that my taste in coffee has become even more expensive and esoteric.

Grown ass man biking to Williamsburg for a pour over… will the indignities never cease??

I’ve decided the only remedy is for me to get really into making my own at home. Stay tuned.

💻 60+ tabs open about: Rugs

I am moving very soon, which means I have an excuse to entirely remake my life from scratch, becoming an entirely new human being unshackled from all the sins of my previous life. By which I mean I can buy a new rug.

This one from Nordic Knots speaks to me, as does this relatively inexpensive option from Rugs USA.

In my new space, I’d like to shoot for a cool-toned, eclectic, modern, chrome, color-drenched aesthetic. All terms I scavenged from Pinterest twelve hours ago, which now deeply resonate with me on spiritual level.

📖 Reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray

Oscar Wilde is such a gay guy. It’s been a while since I read a novel of his, and I forgot that he talks like that the entire time.

RIP Oscar Wilde you would’ve loved writing a bitchy Substack about Brooklyn nightlife.

📺 Watching: I Love LA (HBO)

Just a morsel of TV recapping, u know I couldn’t resist…

I first met Rachel Sennott in a UCB Improv 201 class in 2016 (none of those words are in the bible, but they should be). She was the funniest one. It’s been very fun to see her rise, and I’m eager to get a real taste of her acerbic POV with a budget. (In 2016 a UCB class was $399).

Fave line of the ep: “She’s like bread crumbing the post out like it’s her midwestern wedding photos.” Evil! Seated.

🥰 Smiling about: how Ralph hides in the comforter when I’m washing my sheets

That’s all :)

The queens + firemen participate in a very Challengers-coded speed dating night/compatibility test, after which the drag newbies choose their queens. Let’s chat teams:

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Meow Meow Mixx — Plastique/Jorgeous/Angolique

To me, and much of the internet-at-large, Meow Meow Mixx are the rightful winners of this week’s challenge. “The Powerpuff Girls” is an elite concept for a three person girl group, of course, but more than that this trio simply had the goods. From the nameplates on their outfits, to their human hair wigs (the price of which no doubt equals the GDP of a small country), these divas are aesthetically perfect from head to toe. Plastique in particular continues to execute the art of female illusion at a level that’s above and beyond. Tbh after watching her on TV for an hour, I feel like a thinkpiece or two about how her drag perpetuates unrealistic body standards is in order. And makeover aside, the performance tore as well! Jorgeous and Plastique had the good sense to make Angolique the centerpiece of their stage pictures, thereby limiting the need for her to move and allowing her to shine without having to execute complicated choreo. It’s 10s across the board for Meow Meow Mixx.

The Hoezes — Roxxy/Vanjie/Valerie Valentine

While our badge winners may not have wowed me like MMM, they certainly did a solid job this week. Roxxxy’s matching costumes very much give Tina Knowles originals (complimentary), and their choreo is the most ambitious of the bunch. Roxxxy and Vanjie look truly impeccable, and are well-matched in terms of drag family. The problem, unfortunately, arises from our sweet sweet firefighter, Valerie Valentine. Her walk is, in a word… crazy. She “struts” the stage, attempting to mimic Roxxxy’s sassy hip thrust, but it gives less “Kelly Rowland” and more “I have a herniated disk.” Despite a darling personality and can-do attitude, there’s little Roxxxy and Vanjie can do to disguise the masculinity of man on stage in front of us, who has the stage presence and dance ability of a 2019 Dua Lipa. The judges, however, disagree. They award Vanessa and Roxxxy with their first challenge win, bringing their total badge count to a whopping 2 a piece (gift badges from Nina and Gottmik included).

The Pussycat Hose — Angeria/Shannel/Natasha Bradley

Let’s get one thing straight: Natasha Bradley is the most gorgeous and cunt name this fireman could’ve possibly chosen for his first time in drag, and I think that should be reflected on the scorecards. But onto the other (less important!) categories: Shannel’s beats are of course immaculate on both Angeria and Natasha, but I’m visually overwhelmed looking at these bodysuits. Angeria’s in particular. A labyrinth of fringe, hot pink chicken feathers, and AB rhinestones, I’m unsure of which to turn and I’m sure I’ll go mad if my gaze lingers too long. Performance-wise, I find myself struggling to critique. Their lyrics (“hissin’ while i’m pissin’. hissin’ while i’m pissin’!” and “take him to the vet so my man can get it wet”) are so insane and aurally confounding that I’m unable to focus in on the mechanics of what they’re doing onstage. You know the zoological theory that the geometry of the stripes on a tiger’s coat scrambles their prey’s frontal lobe so they can’t run away as quickly? That’s how I feel looking at the fringe on Shannel’s bodysuit (complimentary).

The Hose Draggers — Nina/Gottmik/Anita Blaze

Yet another set of faces that are positively stamped. (Performances aside, is this one of the best makeover challenges we’ve ever seen??) Gottmik has worked her magic on her team, meaning Nina West has never looked better. Same goes for their daughter Anita Blaze. A former gay go-go dancer, Anita has a level of comfort on stage that the her firemen coworkers do not. It makes for a well-matched trio: Gottmik and Nina, not dancers by nature, are not tempted to overcomplicate the choreo, and Anita is able to lend her experience on the stage to boost her otherwise beginner level skillset as a first time drag queen. All in all, a cohesive group. Their Achilles heel is perhaps Gottmik, who looks quite uncomfortable in the 60’s mod dress that she’s somberly picked from Nina’s closet. Gottmik does her absolute darndest to give it a bit of edge (shortening it, repurposing some fabric into a choker, pinning some of the fabric up to create an aysmmetrical hemline, etc.), but it’s far removed from what we’re used to seeing from her. Without the chic trappings of her typical fashion-forward runways, we remember how relatively green Gottmik is when it comes to performance.

With critiques sorted, Vanjie and Roxxxy are declared the top two of the week, and must therefore lip sync to Janet Jackson’s “Black Cat.” It’s a charming and entertaining performance on both their parts, and RuPaul (overcome by the spirit of charity, I suppose) seems content not to split hairs, and awards them both a badge and a win. My temptation is of course to roll my eyes (me want drama), but given that the end result is “more money for charity” I think I gotta check that impulse. Shoutout to the ASPCA.

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But for all it’s virtues, this All Stars season is a lot like Dracula’s Castle. No stakes! (🥁)

I did my best to overlook it the first couple episodes: everyone’s Drag Queens Save the World verse ranged from adequate to great, and Plastique and Gottmik turned the ball so fiercely that I was almost able to Eternal Sunshine Nina West’s clown drag from my memory. But after Snatch Game, the lack of consequences for straight up bad drag is feeling glaringly apparent.

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But again, let’s start with the good. For all her aesthetic shortcomings, you can’t deny that Nina West speaks the language of comedic performance. In the battle of the Liberaces, I had little doubt that Nina would emerge victorious over the self-serious Shannel, and indeed she does. Nina is always on, and – even better – she’s quite adept at picking up the slack of her neighbors: filling in silences that threaten to tank her panel’s already precarious vibes. (“David, I look forward to tickling those ivories, and RuPaul… those ebonies!”)

Gottmik and Angeria are no slouches either. Unlike in her original season, Gottmik is far from a dark horse this time around. While she’s typically affixed with the label of “fashion queen,” Gottmik was no slouch comedically back then, and she sure isn’t now. For her Snatch Game she chooses Pal (the dog actress who played Lassie,) portraying her as a classic old Hollywood dame who is of course… a dog. It’s a great concept. She does a solid job of landing jokes throughout and an even better job of executing her truly stunning dog snout makeup illusion. And to top it all off (pun-intended) with a top surgery runway that has both TERF and conservative Twitter in tatters? Gottmik, the icon that you are!! And in a very competent performance as Marla Gibbs, Angeria amps up her southern drawl, and gets some funny shots in at the bachelor (Kevin aka Monet X Change) and her fellow queens alike. Her progressively finding more and more wrong with Monet as a love prospect really worked for me: “Oh Lord, you do drugs too??” Good performances all around.

Alright that about does it for the good, now let’s get to the… shall we say satisfactory? Shannel, Vanjie, and Roxxxy. To her credit, Shannel does not do badly. While a far inferior Liberace to Nina’s, Shannel looks pretty unimpeachable in her prosthetic nose and expensive stoned costume. She has a line or two (“You’d be my little cockatoo… because I’ve had a cock or two myself,) that had me saying “wait… is Shannel great at this?” Well… no. But the fact that I even asked myself the question earns her quite a few points in my rubric! That said, if Shannel had come out as herself on season 1, screamed at RuPaul, the other queens, and the camera crew for half an hour and said she was being Faye Dunaway she would’ve won.

Onto Vanjie. To her credit, coming out in Trisha Paytas drag, not changing your voice one iota, and saying “you’re asking too many questions,” are all inspired comedic choices. Do they coalesce into a cohesive performance? Certainly not. Am I entertained? Well, yes !

On the other hand, Roxxxy is quite forgettable this week, choosing to dredge up yet another iteration of her Tosha Salad character from season 5. More and more each episode, it seems Roxxxy is hell bent on self-producing a beat by beat “Rudemption” for herself. “Remember that thing that annoyed you about me? It’s funny now! Remember that thing I did last time? I’m doing it again!” Self-reference can be all well and good, but when it becomes a book report-esque summary of your previous appearances on the show, the audience starts to get bored. I mean seriously who would ever retrod (or “recap”) an episode of Drag Race we’ve already seen for entertainment value… not me!!!

If this season had the courage to give us a bottom two, it would indisputably be Plastique and Jorgeous. Both fail to extract any semblance of comedy out of their chosen celebrities (Ali Wong and John Leguiziamo), but worse still, they don’t really seem to care. And why would they? There’s no punishment for performing poorly on this tentpole of a Drag Race challenge. No one particularly expected Jorgeous and Plastique to do well here so there’s no damage to their reputations, and there’s a contractual guarantee they won’t be eliminated no matter how little effort they put in. And so all these two have to do is wait it out.

In a regular season, at least we’d be rewarded with a ferocious lip sync from these two after a Snatch Game like this. Instead, we get some lackluster “well, you did your best” critiques from the judges and we’re told to move on. I’m afraid that just doesn’t work for me, doll! And instead of seeing Jorgeous and Plastique fight for their lives, it’s our top two (Gottmik and Nina) who battle it out to “Banana” by guest judge Anitta feat. Becky G. While hardly known for her lip sync chops, Gottmik handily wins over Nina, who – in lieu of performing – rips off layer after layer of sequined reveal cover-ups. A tornado of unchicness leaving a mess of ugly fabric in its wake. As we speak, I’m doing my utmost to forget this ever happened.

And so, Gottmik picks up her second badge in three episodes, establishing herself as the clear frontrunner of this competition. At this point, it’s hard for me to imagine anyone else winning this season, but here’s hoping the likes of Plastique and Angeria give her a real run for her money (or, rather, Trans Lifeline’s money).

Until next week!

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Enjoy!

8. Nina West

The internet has seemingly already decided that Nina West – by all accounts an unfailingly kind and generous queen – will be its collective punching bag this season, so there’s really no need for me to pile on… but y’all mind if I give it a shot anyway? As Roxxxy succinctly puts it in the reading challenge: “with a face like that you have to be nice.” And “nice” Nina is. All her cast mates seem to love her, and the judges seem to be rooting for her to do well (or at least better), but unfortunately none of that solves the issue at hand: she’s just not that good at this! Her streak of tasteless runways in the Paint Ball was particularly hard to watch, and her Tom of Finland reference a definitive low point. In her “Drag Queens Save the World” verse Nina West sings: “If drag is a crime, then lock me up.” Oh, I plan on it…

That said, Nina’s strength ostensibly lies in acting and comedy challenges, which are sure to be right around the corner. But even in those instances, do we really believe she’s going to meaningfully outshine the likes of Angeria, Gottmik, or Vanjie (on a good day)? I’ve seen enough: Nina West will not be the winner of All Stars 9.

7. Shannel

Is Shannel going to win this season? No. Would I die for her? Absolutely. There’s something so magnetic to me about a queen who who is so self-serious. She’s not making cheeky jokes at her own expense in an effort to endear herself to fans, and she’s not concerned with the omnipresent “narrative” the season has in store for her. She’s just… Shannel. Las Vegas diva, and showgirl supreme. In episode one, Shannel could not dance, did not know a single one of her own lyrics, and didn’t seem to be particularly bothered by any of it. Perfection. Later, Shannel described her perfume runway with a sentence that will be rattling around my brain for days: “Shannel No. 1 is an evening aroma centered around breathing life into your authentic passion.”

Welcome back Faye Dunaway.

6. Vanessa Vanjie

I’m quite happy Vanessa Vanjie is around this season. She’s a ball of concentrated energy, charisma, and screen presence that can barely be contained by my TV screen (or my TV speakers for that matter.) Is her runway package at the level of most of the other competitors? Not really. But who cares! Vanjie has an uncanny ability to understand how she’s being perceived on the show. Whether consciously or unconsciously, her skill at making this sort of “metacommentary” is her superpower. Case in point, as she was flopping during the reading challenge, she looks into camera and goes: “Y’all can go ahead and cut when Ru was laughing at the other ones and add it to mine.” Amazing. Unfortunately for her, this comedic sixth sense doesn’t always translate to the hyper-specific style of humor present in the maxi challenges, leaving her at a big competitive disadvantage to queens like Gottmik or Angie, but Vanjie might surprise us yet!

5. Jorgeous

I haven’t thought too much about Jorgeous since her shaky run in season 14, but she appears to be much the same as when I last checked in: chic, petite, a great little dancer, and charming to boot. But by far her biggest asset in her fight for the crown is that she’s beloved by RuPaul – probably more so than any other queen in the competition. Not two episodes into the season, and Jorgeous has already picked up a challenge win and a reiteration of RuPaul’s famous "born-to-do-drag critique (the Drag Race equivalent of Damehood). I don’t know if it’s a touch of senility or RuPaul just thought it bore repeating, but it appears she really meant that shit! The comment did feel a little wild in the context of the ball challenge (given that Jorgeous was firmly high-middle of the pack), but that’s RuPaul’s daughter right there and we’d be wise not to underestimate how much that unconditional love will affect Jorgeous’ trajectory in the competition.

4. Angeria Paris VanMichaels

I’m curious to see where Angeria will end up this time around. So far, she’s off to a very strong start, but that’s all eerily familiar. Despite the fact that she was a finalist back on season fourteen, Angeria’s two wins were very early on, with a streak safe placements coloring her record for the remainder of her run. That said, I’m already more impressed than I was back then.

In episode one, her verse was great – she created a striking stage picture with the pit crew dancers and crafted a dynamic flow that stood out against the rest of the queens’ verses. Very smart. But her most impressive moment was at the end of the ep where she… I’ll say it, trounced Jorgeous in a lip sync to Whitney Houston’s “Million Dollar Bill.” Yes, it’s an early win, and yes she’s done it before, but this time around it was definitive. Is Episode 2 less impressive? For sure, but I hardly expect Angeria to go head to head with Roxxxy, Plastique, and Gottmik in a ball challenge.

If Angie approaches every episode with the tenacity of the premiere, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if she picked up another badge or two, and she could be a real contender for the top three.

3. Roxxxy Andrews

There’s something very spiritually electric happening re: Roxxxy Andrews this season. Her drag persona is more self-actualized than ever before, fans and Drag Race alumnae alike have rallied behind her, and – best of all – there’s every indication that’s she’s willing and able to meet all the expectations of her that come with with this heightened attention. Yes it’s early, but so far Roxxxy has demonstrated she’s got all the ingredients of an All Stars finalist.

Let’s just look at episode one. After an instantly iconic viral entrance line, she sweeps the reading challenge with ease (the highlight being telling Nina West “with a face like that, you have to be nice”). Then on “Drag Queens Save the World,” in a subtle wink at her infamous Read U Wrote U verse, she raps: “You wanna ban drag? Don’t waste my time / We’re doing what we love / We’re doing what you like.” It all culminates in perfectly referential runway (“Never Scent Home”), well-calibrated to be just the right balance of self-deprecating without being self-flagellating. She doesn’t pick up a win (much to my shock) but it’s enough to prove that, this season, Roxxxy has got the goods indeed.

That said, Roxxxy is pretty thoroughly outshone by the likes of Gottmik and Plastique in episode two, thus placing her at the number three spot on this list. But I’ve got my eye on Roxxxy this season. (And I will certainly not be reading the doll!!)

2. Plastique Tiara

I mean wow. Plastique Tiara stuns in a nearly flawless two episodes of television. In her original season, I was not as enamored with Plastique as many others were. But it seems that all it took was two hours of All Stars 9 to change my mind. She could have easily won the first challenge – in fact I think she should have. Her catchy verse is only outshined by the incredible stage picture she creates as she’s carried into frame, whipping her ponytail into a tornado as she poses in Sailor Star Healer cosplay. And topping it off with a golden angel runway where the wings mechanically move themselves? Stop playing with her!!!

I would be making far more of a stink that Jorgeous took the top spot over her, if it weren’t for her dominant performance in episode two. Make no mistake: Plastique obliterates the competition in the ball, further demonstrating her incredible eye for shape and detail. And lest you believe she’s just a model with good taste, her Paint Ball eleganza is here to prove you wrong. Plastique stuns in a Y/Project x Gaultier style maxi dress that’s paired with a jacket featuring an obscenely voluminous train hand painted with branches of a cherry blossom tree. It’s all so tastefully put together, and I can’t even imagine the skill it takes to execute a garment like that in two days.

The one mark against her? Her comedic chops. Plastique’s reading challenge was a low point, and I am truly haunted by the decision to perform Harry Belafonte’s “Jump in the Line” as if you’re Nicole Scherzinger in a Pussycat Dolls music video. But I’m not worried. Plastique’s style and drag persona have leveled up dramatically since season 11, and there’s every indication she’ll go the distance.

1. Gottmik

I think this might be our winner. Gottmik is the one queen this season that’s always had the whole package. Of course she’s known as a fashion diva – as evidenced by her streak of perfect runways this week – but keep in mind that she also cleaned up in the comedy challenges on her season, even winning Snatch Game.

This time around, her sensibilities seem just as refined, with a budget and contact sheet to match (straight off the runway Versace?!) She also does great in her “Drag Queens Save the World” verse, with memorable lyrics like: “Don’t waste your breath trying to silence / all stupid arguments trying to blame science / stand up, fight back, bitch we’re tyrants / you mess with me and my girls say hi to my fist.” And most importantly, RuPaul seems obsessed with her. It’s only been two weeks, but Gottmik seems well-positioned to clear this whole damn competition. I’m putting my bets on her.

I kinda love these deeply RuPaul-based challenges. Drag Race was always envisioned as a retracing of Ru’s career footsteps, and there’s nothing the lady loves more than going on a book tour. Plus, being funny on podcasts is probably one of the most important modern day prerequisites to any entertainment career, so best get to practicing now, girls!

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SLUE FOOT: EMBRACING ALL OF ME

Sapphira’s whole thing this season has been having more charisma than everyone else in the room, so of course that translates beautifully to being charming a podcast. Her other big thing has been being the shrewdest student of sucking up to RuPaul (complimentary), which she’s also able to expertly deploy this episode. Right off the bat, she names her book “Slue Foot,” referencing the nickname RuPaul has affectionately (I guess…) bestowed upon her. Though in her interview with oomfie Matt Rogers (the Barbara Walters of Brooklyn alt comedy), she admits to being embarrassed by the moniker at first. But after reflection, she was ultimately able to fold it into her larger philosophy of self-love and acceptance. It’s pretty brilliant. That little glimpse into Sapphira’s internal world – and her warm, inviting manner of speaking on it – has the effect of transforming the book title from mere brown-nosing to an earnest encapsulation of her life’s journey. Who’s doing it like her.

BREAKING WIND: THE ART OF LETTING GO

We get a really beautiful glimpse into Nymphia’s psyche this episode as well. In other challenges this season, we’ve seen her default to goofy, whacky characters in an attempt to avoid the nakedness that comes with vulnerability. But for the first time, Nymphia speaks openly about her deep well of insecurity that stems from her perceived inability to adhere to western beauty standards. She’s also speaks on how drag has served as a therapeutic exercise as a means of changing (and accepting) the self. It would be a stretch to say that Nymphia’s charisma is on the same level as Sapphira’s this episode, or that her self-love journey is as complete or codified, but – from a growth perspective – it’s a momentous leap forward. Looking beyond her exquisite runways and performance chops, this is probably the most distilled concentration of winner energy we’ve gotten from Nymphia all season. And for that, she’s awarded a well-deserved third win.

ALPHABET SOUP: SAVOR EVERY BITE

Where Nymphia has a breakthrough, Q seems to be rapidly unraveling. Her sore loser energy, ever present, seems to only be growing and festering as the weeks go by. After the powerpoint challenge, Sapphira bore the brunt of it, but this week it’s Plane who receives her ire. The two are at each other’s throats from the first minutes of the episode, and it continues well into the third act. Q… you know we can see you right? I’ll give anyone the grace of one or two bitch fits, but I’ve gotta draw the line at a month long tirade. Worse still, Q’s negativity never crystalizes into a breakdown or anything resembling catharsis. Instead, it’s constant deluge of unsatisfying snide remarks and passive aggressive jabs. Regardless, she’s determined to even the scoreboard this episode, and attempts to do so with the book title “Alphabet Soup: Savor Every Bite.” And Q actually isn’t bad at tying this (bad) title into her book’s philosophy, or connecting it to a vulnerable anecdote about her relationship with her mother. However, it does little to distract from the fact that her book cover is uglyyyyy, mama! They say never to judge a book by its cover, but I believe the full expression goes: “Never judge a book by its cover, unless the cover looks like shit from butt.” And unfortunately, that is the case here. Most of the judges’ critiques harp upon this indisputable fact, and so her bottom two status is assured.

PLANE CRASH! HOW I WALKED AWAY FROM DISASTER

(Brief side note, I wholeheartedly believe that if Plane had made her cover a picture of her riding a Boeing 767 like a rodeo bull crashing into the World Trade Center she would’ve won. Ok moving on…)

Loathe as I might be to admit it, I think RuPaul’s pop psychology is right on the money with Plane. There’s a real resistance to being vulnerable from her this week (and most weeks.) Cold, icy bitchiness works as a gimmick when you can switch to earnestness on a dime like, say a Bianca del Rio. But Plane’s barbed personality is not as well-honed as those of her cunty predecessors. It’s almost a little uncomfortable to watch Plane so openly read her competitors in a challenge where everyone else pretty clearly got the memo to be sweet and talk about their moms. We’ve gotten glimpses of Plane’s insecurities in the Werk Room as well as this week during critiques, but she’s yet to find a way to distill them into a narrative or life philosophy the way Sapphira and Nymphia have. And so Plane too lands in the bottom with best frenemy Q.

The lip sync this ep is to “Better Be Good to Me” by Tina Turner. Not a ditty I would expect to be in either of these queens’ respective wheelhouses. That said… Plane kinda eats that shit up! We’ve only gotten one other opportunity to see Plane lip sync this season (all the way back in the premiere), so I’d kinda forgotten that she’s no slouch when it comes to performance. She has an ease and familiarity with her body that betrays her years of dance experience. Combine that with titty shaking on beat with the snare drum? Well, Q didn’t stand a chance.

And just like that… our top three is decided! I still think this season is pretty much all wrapped up, but with Nymphia’s win it makes the race that much tighter going into the finale. I can’t wait to see how this turns out 👀

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Makeover challenge! This season, the queens must transform dancers in the Drag Race Vegas show into members of their drag family. The best makeover contestant of all time is obviously Jinkx’s army vet who confessed to the manslaughter of Judy Garland like he was on an episode of Cold Case. Your crown remains unmoved, diva!! They just don’t make gay guys like that anymore. But what these dancers lack in narcissistic delusion, they make up for in being super fucking hot. And nice or whatever. So let’s dive in!

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Nymphia and Jonathan/Juanita

First up, let’s talk Nymphia who’s assigned Jonathan. I’m inclined to root for Nymphia this episode, as she does exactly what I would do in this situation (“get to know” her partner through unsubtle flirting.) “What’s your type? We can transform you into that… 🙈🤭” Nymphia asks. “My wife, 😐” Jonathan responds holding up his ring. Nymphia, you’ll get the next one, girl! Mrs. Jonathan, your man is loyal! Heterosexuality aside, Jonathan proves to be good egg. He even successfully therapizes Nymphia as she opens up about her struggle with overcoming her artistic insecurities. On the runway, the pair look gorgeous in matching purple and yellow bird-inspired corsets, complete with beaks, hats, and color-blocked leggings. The only ding the judges have to give is Nymphia’s unapologetic overreliance on yellow (a much debated topic weekly on the twitter dot com.) It bothers me much less than it does TS Madison, especially since she looks so damn good, but the inquiry alone is just enough to keep Nymphia from the win this week.

Q and Sebastian/Luna

Next up Q, who quickly manages to bond with her new daughter by being huge bitches to everyone in the room. Undeniable family resemblance, indeed ❤️. On the runway however, I found Q and Luna to be surprisingly underwhelming. Q is one of the season’s (and tbh the franchise’s) premiere seamstresses, so it’s a little baffling when she brings her drag daughter out in an oversized shawl while she herself sports a coat and a bra and panty set. Of course, the details are there: the jacket and shawl are both lined, and they’re each embellished with monster eye and teeth details. But it’s a marked step down in concept and creativity from the seasoned fashion queen. The combo of oversized shawl and clown makeup enshrouds her drag daughter: we can’t see her body or padding or the artistry of the makeup transformation… It’s a cop out from Q, and one that goes unchallenged by the judging panel. Early in the episode, Q describes this type of transformation as “a risk,” but to me it’s just the opposite. Q plays it safe this week, and indeed safe she is.

Plane Jane and Nick/Masc Dawn/Lazy Susan

Next up, Plane Jane who’s paired with gone-but-not-forgotten Dawn’s tethered Nick. I think we all knew this challenge was going to go pretty well for Plane after RuPaul went into afib upon hearing the name “Lazy Susan.” The connection between the two goes beyond surface level though: they bond over their love of dance, growing up as stoic little gay boys who found the strength to shrug off the weight of societal expectations of masculinity. Yes, it’s the plot of Billy Elliot, but it’s also quite moving. It’s impossible not to be charmed by Nick who – in his deep baritone – reaches over to Plane and says “I wanna be a hot slut.” And hot slut she becomes. On the runway, Plane dresses herself and Lazy Susan in (what else?) matching embellished leotards. But the real magic springs from their presentation. Lazy Susan is easily the cuntiest of the baby queens, positively pummeling the runway with pigtail whips, splits, and fierce over the shoulder glances. And the makeup transformation is pretty flawless as well. The garments may be simple, but Lazy Susan’s stage presence is anything but. Plane Jane should thank her lucky stars for that, because it nets her a fourth win this week.

Morphine and Miguel/Latina

The writing has been on the wall for a minute now for Miss Love Dion, but that doesn’t make this episode’s funeral procession for her any less tough to watch. Morphine is assigned to makeover Miguel, and – to her credit – she never lets the concept of “track record” knock her off her game. After all, she’s an excellent makeup artist and no one can take that away from her. Miguel is but a customer, and he’s about to cash in his complimentary Sephora Full-Face Makeover birthday gift. And Miguel’s (i.e. Latina’s) beauty is never in question. Morphine, as per usual, executes a flawless beat. The other aspects of the styling, however, leave something to be desired. The matching dresses, while well-fitting, are quite simple when contrasted with the other contestants on stage. And where Plane and Q find ways to disguise the bodybuilderesque physiques of their drag daughters, the sleeveless dress Morphine makes for Latina only serves to emphasize her massive shoulders and biceps. The wardrobe malfunction in the dance is the cherry on top, and Morphine finds herself – for the final time – in the bottom two.

Sapphira and Mark/Shakira

From minute one to minute ninety, Sapphira is alllll unshakeable confidence this episode. And most of it is pretty earned! Despite whatever setbacks may arise, Sapphira has four challenge wins. Drag Race is hardly a meritocracy, but her streak of good behavior has earned her at least one get-out-jail free card. And lucky for her, because Sapphira needs it this week. Sapphira is paired with Mark, probably one of the most stunning men I’ve ever laid eyes on. Mark has the type of face card that gets you access to VIP airport lounges, a 24/7 concierge, and a $10k annual fee. I bet he doesn’t even know drinks in gay bars cost money. Suffice it to say it’s a downhill battle to make this man look pretty in drag. But that’s not really the problem. While Mark looks gorgeous as Shakira in an orange, fringed bodysuit, Sapphira can’t quite say the same. She abandons her original blue gemstone-inspired dress on account of it being impossible to dance in, and instead opts for a ruffled 80’s prom-style dress. Between the feathers on the top of the bodice and the two layers of ruffles competing for volume on the bottom, it’s visually overwhelming and none too pleasing to look at. A shocking aesthetic departure for the usually polished Sapphira. As implausible as it once may have seemed, Sapphira lands in the bottom two this week.

Sapphira and Morphine lip sync to “Miss Me More” by Kelsea Ballerini (which I initially misread as “Kiss Me More” by Doja and SZA and got falsely excited for btw…) It’s a good lip sync, with Morphine delivering the theatrics and stage presence we know she’s capable of, and Sapphira commanding the stage with a quiet fierceness punctuated by occasional stunts (plus one wonky cartwheel). But in truth, the lip sync is over before it begins. In no world is RuPaul sending home his frontrunner seconds before the finale while she’s against a queen with no wins to her name. Even if that queen is my biological mother Morphine Love Dion. Goodbye, my queen. Flying my Sephora Beauty Insider card at half mast today.

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I’m ready to call this season right now.

Sapphira has now won three challenges in a row? Three? Next week Q is walking into the Werkroom with a gun. And with all due respect to the Nymphia hopefuls out there, I think it’s time to hang it up. The New York Times has yet to launch an election needle for Drag Race crownings (despite my many emails) but if they did I fear this race would be all but called.

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For the most part, Sapphira’s unstoppable late season dominance has me feeling… 😃
The queen’s got charisma! No matter what the challenge, the circumstance, her relative expertise or comfort level with the material, Sapphira is gonna put on a goddamn show. She’s a seasoned host with the well-honed ability to put an audience at ease: an absolutely essential skill for a Drag Race winner imho.

And what better distillation of that talent than this week’s challenge? Nominally, the queens are tasked with designing a luxury bathroom experience from scratch and presenting that idea to “homebuyers” Michelle and Carson. In practice, it’s yet another hosting challenge, where the queens are judged on their ability to sell their idea (regardless of quality) and keep the these prospective buyers entertained throughout their presentation.

This task proves insurmountable to Team Nymphia/Dawn. Predictably, two of the season’s most visually distinctive queens decide on an art-forward concept for their bathroom: a “F’Art” Museum to be exact. The execution is a somewhat vibeless, off-puttingly horny, white-walled room with some mid-art installed on the wall (i.e. a perfect recreation of the Whitney Biennial.) But the real problems arise from their ability to walk us through the space. Both Dawn and Nymphia often fall victim to a very common illness afflicting non-comedians, which is of course Whacky Voice Syndrome™️. This arises in performers who aren’t accustomed to having to be funny in front of audience, so they instead default to affecting a whacky voice in the absence of telling jokes. Sealing Dawn’s fate, she’s unable to even get a word in edgewise! Nymphia is no more equipped for this challenge than Dawn is, but she does have the good sense to make her (whacky) voice heard as often as possible – saving her from her sister’s bottom two status.

Across the hall, a similar fate awaits Q and Morphine. To be Dawnest, I actually think Q and Morphine had the strongest and most consistent comedic concept for their bathroom (not that that counted for much, apparently). Coat hangers that drop your coat, a torturously uncomfortable toilet seat, out-of-reach toilet paper… these are all solid bits riffing on their premise of “bathroom from Hell.” Of course, WVS™️ spares no one (especially not Q) evidenced by the way the pair present their bathroom with grating valley girl accents. Q – like Nymphia – monopolizes a majority of the jokes and airtime, which proves to be the tiebreaker. This leaves Morphine in the bottom for the second week in a row.

Last, of course, there’s Plane and Sapphira. The producers really stacked the deck here. Pairing the two queens with the most comedic experience and stage presence together results in a pretty uneven distribution of entertainment value, which comes into stark focus the minute Plane and Sapphira open their mouths. They easily riff off each other in running jokes: they’re unemployed, they don’t know each other’s names, one of them is into weird sex stuff... It’s the Ned’s Declassified Podcast up in here. And the judges eat it up. It’s clearly the best time Michelle and Carson have in any of the bathrooms, and if we’re being real it’s the only bathroom in which Carson isn’t the one responsible for most of the punchlines. And Sapphira manages to accomplish all this while also maintaining her busy schedule as Season 16’s on set therapist. What can’t she do? Sapphira has been colloquially described as “the mother” of the season, but now that she’s fully busting out therapeutic exercises and CBT techniques, at what point do we start to speculate that there’s a real certification involved… Sapphira Cristal Psy. D., if you’re reading this do you accept HealthFirst BronzeLeaf Premier?

So, after Plane snags her third win, Sapphira her fourth as well as her Nobel Prize in Medicine for her advancements of the field of Drag Queen Psychology, Dawn and Morphine are left to lip sync to “Body” by Megan Thee Stallion. Dawn, sweetie, I am so sorry but you never stood a chance. Her elven twink frame is simply physically incapable of the choreography required to do justice to a Megan Thee Stallion song. Morphine, however, was born for this. Surgically enhanced for it, even. She splits, she shakes ass, she slides across the floor… Morphine is a BBL Terminator and Dawn a hapless Sarah Connor.

This elimination will likely be shocking to some, but not to me. Readers of this newsletter will note that I’ve been saying Dawn has been barely eeking by for weeks. And don’t pity Dawn! There are worse fates for a New York queen. Dawn leaves the competition with a passionate fanbase, some iconic runway looks under her belt, and – most importantly – having not overstayed her welcome.

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This episode, we’re doing stand up. Well… sorta kinda.

“This week, it’s Drag Awareness Month,” RuPaul announces paradoxically. To celebrate, the queens don their best corporate drag and give powerpoint presentations on various drag-related topics to an audience of white collar professionals. Character bits and powerpoint comedy? We’ve entered the Union Hall-ification of Drag Race challenges. Yes, the audience will be sitting on metal folding chairs and paying $17 for a glass of Gulp Pablo (pre-tip ❤️) And, of course, who better to coach these girls through breaking out of the Brooklyn alt comedy scene while looking hot than actor/writer, oomfie, and fellow Drag Race recapper veteran Joel Kim Booster? Let’s dive in:

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Q and Plane Jane

The indisputably best team this week is Team Plane/Q. Or at least, that’s what I assumed, but turns out… that’s extremely disputed. First off, Plane and Q have the best chemistry and most consistent laughs of any other group by a wide margin. While both of the other teams feel like students the teacher paired together for a class project, Q and Plane feel like a seasoned comedy duo. They match each other’s energy perfectly, and have a funny running joke of academia-based horniness and sexual tension that they use to punctuate moments throughout the set. In my eyes, this performance should have sent them straight to the C Suite* (*Cuntress). And, of course, they also easily have the best joke of the episode. You know what I’m gonna say: the slides and the clips! Original comedy is hard, and original comedy with a punchline specific to the medium you’ve been assigned to tell it in (powerpoint presentation) is even harder. This is a perfect example of the latter.

I’m not a Q hater, but I was shocked to find out it was Q, and not Plane, who came up with that instant classic of a bit. I didn’t think she had it in her! Plane anchors the pair to be sure, but with that authorship debate settled combined with Q’s very cool Keith Haring dress (inspired by both the AIDS epidemic and her own HIV diagnosis), I really thought Q had this challenge in the bag. When she and Plane are called safe, you see their faces crack, as does mine. Sparking a beef that’s sure to get some screen time at the top of next week’s episode.

Dawn and Mhi’ya

If this corporate challenge were being judged in teams, Dawn and Mhi’ya would undoubtedly be the department laid off. It’s a tough watch: Mhi’ya struggling through her cards, Dawn valiantly trying to persevere but without the hosting chops and charisma necessary to counterbalance the pair’s downward spiral. Mhi’ya clutches onto her pointer prop for dear life while struggling to take cues off the flashcards in front of her. Dawn does a better job of getting words off the page, but relies on an affected voice to disguise the fact that neither the content nor the queens in front of us are all that funny. On several occasions there are achingly long pauses where Mhi’ya looks back and forth from the cards, to the screen to her partner, and all Dawn can do is look helplessly on, waiting for her to muddle through. Truly the blind leading the blind.

This week is curtains for Mhi’ya of course, but where does that leave Dawn? Zero challenge wins, and her odds of winning a challenge decrease with each passing week. Her biggest strength (design challenges) failed to net her a win three times in a row, and there’s likely no more of those coming her way. Recently, it’s a whole lot of “low safes,” hardly the late season trajectory of a Top 4 competitor. With Mhi’ya gone, and the remaining winless queen (Morphine) an official lip sync assassin killer, Dawn’s future might be in jeopardy.

Sapphira, Morphine and Nymphia

Not only was I unimpressed with this team’s comedic output, I was also downright confused by the editing. Surely, there was a more compelling way to convince me that Sapphira deserved to win this week than by going out of your way to show me a clip of her stumbling over her words? To Sapphira’s credit, she is undoubtedly the glue that held her team together. She has a rock solid stage presence that can’t be taught and a voice that’s somehow both commanding and soothing: clear and consistent without being piercing or overwhelming. But her comedy itself is nothing to write home about. Most of her laugh lines (her toast at the top of presentation, her Wesley Snipes joke) will probably sound very familiar to you if you’ve spent any time at a local drag establishment any time in the last five years. Of course, recycling or outright stealing jokes is nothing if not a Drag Race (and drag queen) staple, so the act itself is hardly disqualifying. But when juxtaposed with queens like Plane and Q who managed to be both more original and funnier, the win feels truly baffling. It speaks to the power and presence of Sapphira in this competition that the judges still felt compelled to reward her even in the face of other qualified candidates. With her third win in the late game, she’s now barreling towards the top four at terminal velocity, and her winning the whole damn season feels almost inevitable.

Nymphia makes use of another tried and true Drag Race gambit: generalized race-based accent work. Given that Nymphia’s jokes actually aren’t bad, it feels unnecessary to add the accent on top of the character, but I think the voice affords Nymphia a degree of distance from her performance: it seperates Nymphia the drag queen from her stand-up persona and allowing her to let loose and be less nervous than she otherwise might be. Notably – for the first time that I can recall – this choice is scrutinized by the judges. Michelle and Ru ask Nymphia why she chose to do an accent, which she does her best to justify. But the elephant in the room is that, well… because RuPaul always laughs when girls do an ethnic accent. I’m quite sure it wouldn’t be such a staple in the Drag Race canon if it wasn’t a hit with RuPaul every time.

That brings us to Morphine, the unfortunate last place finisher of the Sapphira/Nymphia/Morphine trio. She has neither the charisma of Sapphira, the gimmicks of Nymphia, nor any solid jokes to fall back on. Hitting zero of her quarterly targets? Management will be none too pleased. Her failure is enough to land her in the bottom 2 next to Mhi’ya.

The lip sync this week is to “Dim All the Lights” by Donna Summer, the perfect song for Morphine and Mhi’ya’s season-long increasingly rancorous rivalry to finally come to a head in a battle that I can only describe as violent. These girls throw everything they can into this lip sync. Literally. When they’re not throwing shade at each other on lyrics like “be my man” and “let myself go freely,” they’re throwing projectiles at each other, like gown trains and plastic titty inserts. It’s impossible to take your eyes off the ferocious pair. But when the dust settles and the rubble is cleared it’s Morphine who’s left standing, triumphantly victorious. And for once in this goddamn episode, RuPaul agrees with me and sends vanquished assassin Mhi’ya sashaying away.

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While Drag Race political forays typically skew a little earnest and more than a little generic, there’s something spookily predictive about this challenge in particular. Back in season four, Sharon Needles won the “Frock the Vote!” debate challenge; in season eight, Bob the Drag Queen brought herself and Derrick Barry to victory in the “Shady Politics” commercial challenge; and most recently, Jaida Essence Hall won “Choices 2020.” Sensing a pattern? These political episodes have a perfect track record at picking the season’s overall winner. So despite this episode’s glaring (GLARING) flaws, it may just end up being the most impactful and predictive of the season. I have… let’s say “qualms” with the judging this week, so instead let’s see how everyone did in the Official OrangePaulp Ranking:

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1. Sapphira Cristal

Ultimately, Sapphira gives the type of performance that this type of political challenge is made to highlight. Sapphira chooses to make her verse (at least in part) a tribute and homage to “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” the Black national anthem. After all, what better way to craft an inspiring get-out-the-vote anthem than by honoring one of the most iconic anthems of all?

“And if we lift every voice together, use our power in that groove, we can stand whatever the weather and make them see the truth.”

The lyrics are lovely, the message inspiring, and the performance of it all is impressive indeed. There’s a reason this challenge predicts season winners: it has a way of highlighting the coherence of a queen’s personal brand, especially as it relates to the world around them. Sapphira is a seasoned, thoughtful queen, and (as if we didn’t know it already) this week proves she has the goods to truly take it all the way.

2. Morphine Love Dion

I’m so happy for my girl Morphine this week. She performed great, and looked even better. If I learned one thing this week its that funk is a tough genre to write a rap to. And while this song’s, well, “funky” rhythm ensnared many a queen, Morphine rode the beat with ease. She found a flow that worked for her and stuck to it, all the while perfectly executing choreo on a completely different rhythm. Very impressive.

While she doesn’t quite clinch the win, top two ain’t too shabs! A perfectly timed rev up in momentum for the OrangePaulp Fan Favorite.

3. Plane Jane

Hot take, I suppose, but Plane Jane easily makes into the OrangePaulp Top 3 this episode. Most of the queens last night really struggled to make their lyrics coherent (more on that later…), but not Plane:

“The ignorance is strong so we gotta flex, spreading the love while I’m spreading my legs. Drag it up and fight for what’s right, no great battle can be beaten overnight, so groove to the beat and tell hate to kick rocks, and if you’re at the polls you can catch this box.”

Consistently good use of wordplay, and seamlessly integrating her personal brand (slut)? These other girls could never. The judges hem and haw about Plane looking nervous during her choreography (something I didn’t pick up on) and critique her for giving her immunity to Nymphia as opposed to saving it for herself, but it all rings hollow to me. Once again, sorry to the haters, but Plane Jane did pretty great this week and no amount of narrative framing will convince me otherwise.

4. Q

Q has very little going for her this week. Yet again, she has a real tough time coming up with a verse, and her unsteady stage presence only highlights the simplistic nature of her lyrics.

“We all live in a crazy place, we’re not all the same but we need our space. We all need the right to live, keep my man, and save the kids.”

There’s no denying Q’s talent at a sewing machine, but when she steps out from behind it in a performance-based challenge like this one, the seams of her drag persona begin to rip. Given that the last of the season’s design challenges are likely behind us, Q will need to find a new way to stand out from the pack going forward, or her top four dreams may be cut short.

5. Dawn

Dawn’s arc this episode is one of almost mask-off villainy. Last week we got a taste of Dawn beginning to embrace villain-hood as we watched her “help” Plasma. Many online gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming she really did want to help her bestie, it’s just that her advice just ended up being misguided... But I’m not so sure. “You know what you could do? This would be so evil…” Dawn whispers to Plane while Nymphia records her verse. “Tell her you’re gonna [give her the immunity potion], but then don’t.” Evil! Nasty! Darksided! And honestly? Genius. Now if only we could put the power of that mind to work revising some of these lyrics:

“We’ve got power, being true to love will always make them cower, write enough laws all while healing up our inner child.”

I’m quite unmoved. Between this week and the Snatch Game, Dawn has, once again, gotten away with murder.

6. Mhi’ya Iman LePaige

“Don’t let them win, let’s keep it going. Martin Luther King, I have a dream!”

^This was judged as a top verse FYI.

7. Nymphia Wind

“Aspire to community. Nymphia for equality. Do not ban my beauty. You better get that power within your flower, you have a seat at the table when you vote yellow.”

Yeah, Nymphia needed that potion bad this week (or at least she would’ve had the entire concept of the immunity potion not been rendered pointless by the end of episode twist). To say her verse is the least dense of all her competitors would be an understatement. And that low word count is not her friend: we can hear every lyric clear as day, much to her detriment. If it wasn’t obvious that Megami ghost wrote every word of Nymphia’s verse before, it certainly is now. Thank god she’s gorgeous!!

Finally, we reveal the twist of the episode: it’s a top two (Morphine and Sapphira) and no one is going home. A Meghan Trainor lip sync capping off a flop episode with no elimination… RuPaul wants us dead and trust she will be using our corpses as biofuel for her nuclear bunker. As you might expect, Morphine does well and Sapphira does even better. If there’s a silver lining to this week’s challenge, it’s that Sapphira at long last has her second win. And an impactful one at that.

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We’re back this week with the third design challenge of the season. I don’t mind this in theory. Some savvy producerial-minded twink in Video Village noticed that we have between two and four queens churning out atelier-quality garments week after week, and said “you know what? I think we have some extra black and white fabric in the back…” Smart! In practice, however, this episode is not my favorite. Let’s play a game, shall we? I’ll describe a challenge and you have to tell me which episode it belongs to:

Plane and Sapphira each make something good, Dawn makes something great, but Nymphia and Q each make something excellent. In the Werk Room, Sapphira – mother that she is – helps Mhi’ya make something mid (much to the chagrin of the rest of the cast) but it still doesn’t save her from the bottom two. Oh, and Plane and Plasma get into a tiff about potentially using the same fabric. 

Getting the picture? We already watched this damn episode three weeks ago! While this goth runway is clearly meant to evoke Netflix’s Wednesday, in reality it’s more like watching Groundhog Day. (Zing!!!)

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“Repetitive” doesn’t mean “bad” though. When I say Nymphia and Q created some excellent garments I meant it. But who’s surprised? At this point, it’s clear that they’re two of the best craftswomen Drag Race have ever seen: two prodigious seamstresses with two wildly different processes. Nymphia’s is a free-flowing chaos. She wanders the Werk Room yapping, rolling on the floor, doing silly voices, but all the while absorbing inspiration and letting aspects of her materials tickle her creativity. In this case, inspiration comes in the form of a feathered veil which gives way to a stunningly well-tailored lace funeral gown. Q, on the other hand, is all business. She’s not shy in showing the girls the concept she’s sketched in her notebook: a poofy-sleeved, Victorian-esque garment that’s half-cape and half-train. And why should she be? She knows that no one in that room – save Nymphia – is matching her level of craft and vision. The result is wholly impressive. The amount of details would imply weeks of work of planning, yet somehow Q has turned it out in one day. Blocking textiles in the Werk Room and blocking hapless twinks on Twitter… who’s doing it like her? She takes yet another win this week.

In a (distant) third place, is our mischievous elf princess, Dawn. Dawn is hungry for a design challenge win, both this episode and generally, but unfortunately she’s going to have to explore other avenues for sustenance. Nymphia and Q are eating these sewing challenges right up and leaving her not one scrap. That’s not to say Dawn wasn’t good. Great, even! Her upside down chandelier dress is a feat of design and engineering. (A field in which Dawn has a lot of academic expertise, apparently.) The styling doesn’t disappoint, either. The headpiece, the makeup… it’s all very chic. But like last time, it’s just not holding a candle to Qymphia. Deja vu. So what’s Dawn to do? Take it out on Plasma apparently. She slyly suggests to her bestie that the judges will want to see her versatility. “Nooo, sister… Don’t make a classic Old-Hollywood trumpet gown that perfectly suits your body and drag aesthetic! Dress like 2002 Christina Aguilera picking out a last minute outfit to attend the VMAs instead! They’ll surely love it.” Judas!!! When Plane suggests the exact same thing minutes earlier, Plasma sees the intimidation for what it is and shoots it down. But when the same advice is delivered in ethereal Dawn’s disarming little twink tenor, suddenly it’s the voice of reason? inch resting!

Down at the “good” end of the spectrum we have Sapphira, Morphine, and Plane. Plane follows a similar strategy as she did the last design go-round: embellishing the fuck out of a simple silhouette she knows she looks good in. (Plasma could stand to take a cue here.) Morphine’s look is solid as well. A sleek gown that fits her well with, as usual, a lovely little mug of makeup to match. Sapphira, though also middle of the pack, stands a head above the rest of the safe girls (though still a head below the top three.) Yes, she still wastes precious sewing minutes guiding Mhi’ya through how to move a tape measure around a dress pattern, but she makes sure to walk the runway in a finished product executed to her vision, proving she’s wisened up since the Dollhouse challenge. And thank goodness for that — there’s no immunity potion for her to toss back this time. She further cements her High Safe™️ placement with her embodiment of a jaded, matronly goth character on the runway, elevating her presentation from relatively straightforward to highly specific. That’s some seasoned queen shit right there.

The same can’t be said for Sapphira’s hapless mentee, Mhi’ya. In a word, I’d describe Mhi’ya’s performance this episode as “crazy.”

Getting one of the season’s better seamstresses to help you execute your vision and that vision being Vivacious’ episode-losing Game of Thrones gown in season 6? Crazy.

Doing a wig reveal into a beanie? Crazy.

Doing a lip sync wigless as your follow up to doing your last lip sync shoeless? Crazy.

Winning those lip syncs wigless, shoeless (and panty-less??) CRAZY. 

But you know what? It absolutely do take nerve. The lip sync song (with the equally-crazy looking Plasma) is the sped-up TikTok version (?) of Lady Gaga’s Bloody Mary. Don’t piss me off. Typically by unofficial Drag Race standards, it’s third strike you’re out, even for seasoned assassins. But Mhi’ya proves to be an exception to that rule: stepping over the body of yet another New York queen in her bumpy pathway to Top 7. Crazy!

READING RUNDOWN

“Just the same old, haggard Plasma aesthetic that we’ve come to know and hate.” — Plane Jane

I honestly hope Plane never changes. This country was founded on the right to be a huge bitch to your coworkers behind their backs. It’s in the constitution. (I assume! Haven’t read.)

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Snatch Game week! And frankly? I’m pretty disappointed. We need to open the schools. And by schools

I mean the $400 a pop improv classes. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss UCB. Del Close you have left so many children behind. 

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Nymphia Wind – Jane Goodall 

“She was the first woman to find out that chimpanzees were basically the same as humans.”
“Is she funny?” 
“No.”

This perfect conversation is, unfortunately, the most funny we get out of Nymphia. Nymphia lands in the bottom three for the first time in the competition for her abysmal portrayal of famed chimpanzee-stan Jane Goodall. There’s very little to enjoy in Nymphia’s performance (though I did laugh when I saw she was wearing her Africa necklace backwards). It’s a lot of monkey sounds and non-sequitur answers: kOoKy comedy with no concept or game to guide it. Flop :( 

Of course, surprising no one, Nymphia looks exquisite on the runway in an editorial interpretation of a Butoh dance costume. And luckily for our banana buddha, it’s juuust enough to save her from lip syncing. Nonetheless, Nymphia’s vulnerabilities have been brought into sharp focus this episode. She better hope there are no more improv comedy challenges in her future!

Dawn – Meghan McCain

 “I wanted to pick someone who I was absolutely fine reading the dog shit out of.”

Well, despite her artist’s statement at the top of the episode, Dawn’s snatch game amounted to a whole lot of nothing. While Snatch Game never has and never will be a “flawless illusion” contest, Dawn’s Meghan McCain neither looked or sounded anything remotely like the conservative reactionary. Not to mention, we didn’t touch on any of Meghan’s vast, iconic source material! Dawn never accused anyone of “interrupting her” she never once shouted “my father…” Dawn I know your Brooklyn-ass is as terminally online as the rest of us are. You must have seen the memes! Dawn is safe this week, and – safe to say – she got away with murder.

Q – Amelia Airhart

And don’t think I’m letting you off scot-free either, honey!! Q is another safe queen who could have easily found herself swapped into a bottom three slot this week. Q’s scattershot responses to Ru’s volleys (which she plays off as ditsy) are a dead giveaway that she had very little prepared. I’d also like to point out that Amelia Airhart’s voice is identical to the Stonewall Brick’s from the RPDR Live challenge a few weeks back. To me, this is clear evidence that Q has one “goofy voice” that she deploys indiscriminately when comedy is the name of the game. Tiresome! Q is saved by her one (1) good quip: when Xunami fumbles a line, Q pipes up “...and I thought I didn’t know what direction I was going!” Though only a brief moment, it demonstrated a level of attention and wit that elevates Q above the bottom half of this week’s crop.

Plasma – Patti LuPone

While Plasma has a very solid physical and vocal impersonation buoying her, we don’t get a lot of laughs. She approaches Patti with a buttoned-up seriousness and politeness, but the reason we love Patti is just the opposite: the Broadway icon in fact has a  very impolite tendency to go off the rails at any given moment, a trait which would have made for much better comedic fodder. She, like Q, is saved by her ability to quip back at Morphine, who insults her in character as Anna Delvey by calling her poor and ugly. “I’ll drink to that!” Plasma replies, sipping her martini. It’s simple, but it’s an in-character button to a joke that Morphine sets up but can’t bring home. A welcome comedic release valve for the awkward tension Morphine has unintentionally created.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t discuss Plasma’s runway. “These taps are not dubbed, I’m legitimately tap dancing!” Oh, don’t worry we know, girl! Watching Plasma’s unselfconscious joy for all things musical theater is healing in a way. I feel like she’s me if I hadn’t been bullied in high school. Also those pull backs were clean as hell.

Xunami Muse – The Gold Tooth Fairy 

“A made up character! Ok, that’s always gone over well, sister, good for you…”

As the Gold Tooth Fairy, Xunami is totally and completely lost. Nothing crazier to me than making up a character without making up any concepts or jokes to go along with it, but here we are. She gets not one intentional laugh from Ru, and I would describe her singular character trait as, at best, “confused.” During critiques Michelle and Ru describe her character as “a good idea,” which begs the question: what idea? I’m very glad Xunami had a chance to shine in her salsa outfit this week, a bright light in an otherwise tough final episode for the NYC queen.

Morphine Love Dion – Anna Delvey

Morphine brought the look and the voice to Anna Delvey in the snatch game, which was enough to elevate some of her competitors to “safe” status. However, Morphine erodes that head start over the course of the rest of the challenge. Not once, but twice she is one-upped and embarrassed when trying to read her fellow queens in character on stage. If your “thing” is going to be antagonizing people, you’ve got to be able to land the joke! Instead, her performance consists of teeing up other queens for punchlines rather than claiming any laughs for herself. This crucial misstep lands her in the bottom next to her bff Xunami.

Mhi’ya Iman Le’Paige – Tiffany pollard  Trina’s Cousin Shaquita

“Mhi’ya decided to make up a character that is at least somewhat relatable. We know who Trina is, so we know who Shaquita must be.”

You know what? Sure, actually. Mhi’ya gives a solid performance as Trina’s cousin Shaquita: a Miami party girl. Yes, the performance is somewhat one note, but that’s one more note that many other queens this week were able to find (let alone hit consistently.) You never feel nervous watching Mhi’ya. She always has answers at the ready, she’s able to consistently relate answers back to her character, and she seems to have fun while doing so. Props, girl. That said, something about the way the judges praise her on the runway feels final to me. Ru seems to be indicating that Mhi’ya’s growth arc (and, thus, her narrative function on this season) is complete. Potentially teeing her up to be eliminated next week? I’m having a Madame Web-esque vision of it all.

Plane Jane – Jelena Karleusa

Sorry, haters, Plane Jane once again nails it this week. Her proficiency with comedy and character creation is leagues above her peers, and it’s a breath of fresh air in this week’s Snatch Game. Plane plays Serbian pop star Jelena Karelusa, an abrasive, horny, jetlagged BBW (“Beautiful Balkan War survivor.”) As you have likely gathered, the persona overlap between Plane and Jelena is not insignificant, which only enhances the performance. Plane has her own slew of jokes, of course (mistranslated pop culture references, plastic surgery bits) but she also shines in her off-the-cuff quips. And it’s those quips, towards Morphine, Nymphia, and even Ru, that elevate her snatch game from good to great.

As usual, Plane is abrasive and dismissive of her fellow competitors begging for her immunity potion in the Werk Room and thank god. I hate a bitch who grows and self-improves! Instead, she focuses on looking fucking correct and the runway, which she does. A well-deserved second win.

Sapphira Cristal – James Brown

Really solid work from Sapphira this week, as we’ve come to expect. More than anything, it’s clear Sapphira is a competitor at heart, and her package reflects that of a prepared queen who came here to win the whole damn thing. As Plane points out, she’s in her sucking up era this week: a James Brown snatch game (Ru’s first ever concert) and a Majorette Drag U runway (Ru’s beloved pet project)? It’s definitely very much giving teacher’s pet teas. But can you blame her? Sucking up is a tried and true Drag Race strategy because it works. That said, Sapphira’s James Brown is far from just a cynical strategy play. She came prepared with bits and vocals, and she’s more than prepared to volley back and forth with Ru whenever the situation requires it. I’ve got a real soft spot for this savvy queen. 

Kyra Sedgwick – Madeline Khan

The true winner of this week’s ep tbh. Our secret 15th queen bursts onto the scene with a banger of a Madeline Khan impression. Kyra is incredibly dropped in, her vocal impression is on point, and she brought the jokes. I wouldn’t be surprised if she goes all the way. Absolutely robbed. Nothing but respect for my star of TNT’s The Closer.

It’s besties Xunami and Morphine in the bottom this week, and I’ll be sorry to see either go. If you know me, you know I loveee an emotional lip sync and this one (to Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”) delivers. However, at my core I’m a Morphine stan, and I demand that she stick around as long as humanly possible, so the final result is a relief. Morphine Addicts rise! I just know our queen will eat the makeover challenge if she makes it another few eps.

READING RUNDOWN

“Plasma, my girl, where were you on January 6th” – Xunami

But notice how she didn’t answer the question…

“What if Mhi’ya won… I would shit.” – Q 

LMAOOOO

“Nymphia, knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana who?”
“Knock Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Banana…”
“Banana who??
“That’s what it feels like to talk to you.” – Dawn

Get her ass, Dawn!!

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It’s another week of Drag Race, and at long last this season’s Rusical. Everyone but Dawn rejoice!! A well-deserved win awarded to this season's most unapologetic theater kid (and newly-minted frontrunner?) serves as restorative justice for fallen musical theater BFAs turned unfairly maligned 4th-7th place Drag Race finishers everywhere. I.e. huuuge day for annoying ppl!

The Sound of Rusic bares precious little resemblance to its source material (save for a few inside baseball references and inspirations for characters’ names and likenesses) but it succeeds in being a very entertaining vector for the talents of this season’s cast. Every year, it seems more and more clear that Drag Race has cracked the code for these musical parodies. Let’s go!

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THE BARONETTES

The queens are essentially divided into girl groups. Our first group, the Baronettes – maybe racist/maybe just violently Austrian – are played by Q, Xunami, and Plane Jane with Q frontlining as the delightfully wicked, fat-lipped Baroness Braun. Ever the self-aware queen, Plane volunteers immediately to play one of the bitchy henchwomen and Xunami takes the opportunity to pair with her (alleged!) crush. A small tiff between Q and Megami ensues over the role of the Baroness with Q emerging on top after a tense round of rock/paper/scissors (the preferred decision method of casting directors everywhere). After their group has formed, the Baronesses engage in a bit of Werkroom pot-stirring/cuntiness in the name of method acting. This is all at the suggestion of, you guessed it, Plane Jane. It’s fun to watch Xunami and Q cosplay meanness by doing a silly voice while Plane really goes in for the kill. She said sit back and watch a real bitch work, ladies.

Whether their intimidation strategy was actually effective is up for debate, but you can’t deny the results. The Baronettes kinda killed this shit! Xunami and Plane strike a great balance between being mean girls and being a little thrown off by Q’s comically long stole. And Q herself is pretty unimpeachable as Baronness Braun, bringing a real comedic nuance to the character’s Austrian accent/speech impediment. Doesn’t hurt that she looks hot while doing it either. And her runway, a flower-covered praying mantis creature, might be Q’s finest yet. It’s instantly memorable, and she finds herself, yet again, with a highly deserved top placement.

THE BAD HABITS

Next, the Bad Habits, the slutty nun girl group consisting of Sapphira as Mother Superior, Mhi’ya, and Morphine.

While Mhi’ya and Morphine do an admirable job, Sapphira is far and away the MVP (Most Valuable Prioress) of this trio. I’ve said it every week, but it just keeps becoming truer and truer: star quality and stage presence ooze out of Sapphira’s every pore. She’s perfectly at ease every moment she’s on stage and you feel safe watching her. The little lip quivers and deft hand gestures she pulls out during her lip syncs betray her years of experience entertaining audiences in drag. And on the runway, it’s truly a moment. My jaw dropped seeing Sapphira round the corner as a gorgeous flower in full bloom. Oh, rho she betta... denderon! (Or something. Whatever… Fuck you!!) If Plasma had been even a little less than perfect, or gone up on even one line of her 10 minutes straight of dialogue, I’m confident Sapphira would’ve taken the win this week. I cannot wait to see what she does next week, and what voluminous garment she’ll take out of the storage unit she double parked outside of the Drag Race soundstage.

THE FAMILY VON SNAPS

Dawn, Megami, and Nymphia make up the members of the final singing trio, the Family Von Snaps. Despite her total detestation for all things musical theater, Dawn plays the gap-toothed, ditzy Streudel with aplomb. Nymphia also does well as the psychosexually pinecone-obsessed Diesel: admirably balancing choreo, character work, and lip syncing with her cumbersome prop. And Megami as Schnitzel isn’t bad either. If I were being picky (which we must) I’d ask her to ditch the distracting fake eye glasses prop, but overall it’s a solid showing from the Von Snap trio. Unfortunately for them, they’re all far outshined by their usurper leader. 

PLASMA

Like many Drag Race Rachel Berry incarnations before her, Plasma has to fight for the role of Mariah (this Rusical’s lead.) Morphine and Sapphira both express deep interest. “It screamed for me, boots,” says Morphine. But Plasma clings to the role with a vice grip. “I hate to be the girl who’s like ‘I wanna be the lead and nothing else!’ But… I wanna be the lead and nothing else.” And so she is. It’s almost nerve wracking watching Plasma get so giddy with excitement over her impending star role. “Don’t you know how this goes?” I want to shout, shaking her. “Plasma, you have to stop. Your vibrato too tough. Your jazz hands too different. Your kick-ball change too bad. They’ll kill you!” As we watch Plasma practically move herself to tears recalling her college graduation – while Dawn gets the ick – it recalls past over-eager drag queens to mind. And those (Jan) stories (I’m referring to Jan) don’t always have happy endings (remember Jan??) But tonight at least, Janstory does not Janpeat itself. Over the course of a nearly 12 minute musical number, Plasma stars in every single scene. And throughout it all, she dropped not one line, missed not one step, skipped not one beat. A truly magnificent display. Sealing her win is her floral runway: a Fanny Brice meets Eliza Doolittle dress that could not have been better timed if she planned it. And so, finally, the ambitious, cringey theater kid takes the win. Nature is healing. The cycle of Janerational Trauma is finally broken. Roséperations have been paid. The universe is at peace.

With the winner decided, hairs must now be split in order to pick the bottom two. Based on garment nitpicks, and some small performance snafus, the judges decide on Mhi’ya and Megami. A tough break for two talented ladies who definitely were not bad, but sometimes that’s how the cookie c(Ru)mbles.

Appropriately enough, the lip sync song this week is “Flowers” by Miley Cyrus. Megami thinks she has the edge in a softer ballad against the Queen of Flips, but she’s quickly proven wrong. Mhi’ya not only keeps pace with Megami’s emoting, she also does so with expressive choreography that feels true to the song’s essence. “No flips involved.” And so Mhi’ya, our new lip sync assassin, sends home her second girl in as many weeks. We’ll miss u, Megami!

READING RUNDOWN

Plasma: “Literally in one of my high school graduation cards my grandparents put the lyrics to Climb Ev’ry Mountain, and I sobbed.”
Dawn: “Diva, I’m so happy for you. 😒 😐”

There’s more lens spiking this season of Drag Race than there was in nine seasons of The Office, and Dawn is responsible for a good two thirds of it, but I don’t mind.

Also musical theater kids need to be humbled as often as possible or we become too powerful.

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Adapt or die, folks!! This week’s episode – a design-meets-branding challenge where the queens must market a doll based on their drag persona – acts as a crucible of sorts for our contestants, many of whom have found themselves stagnating. Formerly unimpeachable front runners (like Nymphia and Sapphira) get caught sweating (in different ways), and our resident mean girl finds herself an assassin without a target. Let’s start with the latter:

Plane Jane has up until now been cosplaying as a Top Gun-style Tomcat fighter jet with her guns trained on Amanda. But with Miss Meating gone, she’s now more like to one of those Boeing 737’s I’m scared to fly because the door might come off. This week, Plane declares she’s beginning her congenial era. “It may be the season of lip filler, but there’s no filler queens here!” She at one point clumsily recites to a profound silence. Turns out being nice might take some work. Her resolve is further tested when Geneva claims the coveted bolt of red fabric Plane is eyeing for the design challenge. She’s left with a less than desirable sparkly seafoam stretch fabric, leaving her with no choice but to wander the Werkroom like a Dickensian orphan begging her fellow queens for scraps. (“Please, sis, may I have a yard?”) She starts with Geneva, but it turns out Plane’s strategy to convince her to swap is to explain to Geneva that she’s actually a bad seamstress who won’t be able to execute her vision. Which, shockingly… doesn’t work! She moves on to a distracted Plasma, where she’s able to snip a few yards away with little resistance, allowing her to (finally) begin constructing her garment. Here’s the thing, watching Plane interact with these girls in the werkroom, I do think there’s validity to a Freudian explanation of her cuntiness. For context, during weekly Mirror Trauma Dump Time™ Plane is seated next to Xunami, where she explains that her Russian father used to berate her with homophobic slurs and take any possessions he deemed effeminate. But the real kicker is her nonchalant attitude describing the whole thing. It’s obvious that harsh, nonconstructive, homophobic criticism is a common part of childrearing in Plane’s homeland (Boston, Massachusetts). And her attitude towards it all (“not blaming” her father) suggests that she’s normalized it in her interactions with others as well. Is this evidence of the beginnings of a spiritually clarifying  journey that will leave Plane in a more healed place? Possibly! Is it an indicator that her bitchiness will not be slowing and will continue into the season’s endgame? More likely!

Also experiencing a minor identity crisis this week: Nymphia Wind. Whether you're judging by the scoreboard or by the Drag Race fandom’s reaction, it’s safe to say Nymphia is the frontrunner of this season. But a large part of her early dominance has been her successful ability to self-produce. Her werkroom persona is the perfectly crafted happy-go-lucky ditz. Completely non-threatening, yet somehow fumbling into wild success. We saw it in the last design challenge, where Nymphia spent the episode flitting about the werkroom, all the while secretly constructing a God-tier garment in her hotel room at night. And we saw it last week in the girl group challenge, where she pretended to be scared of choreography and rapping. In both instances, she came out guns blazing, exceeded our expectations, and won the challenge because of it. But there’s only so many times you can “stumble” into brilliance before your banana-brained personality starts to seem extremely calculated. A quota which Nymphia has now exceeded. For this week, as she attempts to distract Q, writhes around on the floor, and complains to Megami that she’s inspirationless, nobody buys it. “She’s the banana who cried wolf,” Morphine declares. To be clear, Nymphia looks great this week. She’s clearly a talented competitor, and her doll dress puts her solidly among the “high safe.” But this werkroom shtick is just not gonna cut it anymore. The queens are over it and the audience can see through it. In order to translate this early season momentum into an endgame, she needs a new gimmick.

And while we’re on the subject, let’s talk about our other frontrunners: Sapphira, Q and Dawn. Though she’s safe thanks to her handy dandy immunity potion, Sapphira finds herself at a herstoric low point this week. Unfortunately, it seems by guiding Mhi’ya through her entire design process, she left herself with little time to finish her ambitious opera coat. Mothering a bit too close to the sun I fear. The resulting presentation is not bad, but the dress feels unstyled and the absence of the opera coat is certainly felt. She’s buoyed by her comedy and well-honed ability to charm the judging panel even in the lack of polished perfection, but Sapphira is not taking any chances: She downs her immunity potion the first chance she gets. Is this… self-doubt we’re witnessing? From Sapphira? A first time for everything I suppose.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Dawn, who – despite having zero wins under her belt – has an unflappable confidence that is sure to serve her well heading into the mid-season. Every move Dawn makes is just so intentional. Her quirky comedy, her design references, and her ability to shake up her makeup in a way that demonstrates her versatility while maintaining an authenticity to her brand. Every detail accounted for, this is a queen who is determined not to give any cynics on the judges’ panel (*cough* Michelle *cough*) an ounce of ammunition to use against her. This is a studied queen. While the least statistically rewarded of all the frontrunners, Dawn is queen I’m most confident we’ll find in the Top 4.

And of course, our winner… Q! After weeks of silvers, Q finally takes the gold tonight. And it’s a pretty unimpeachable win. Q is one of the best Drag Race seamstresses we’ve seen in years and this garment is proof positive of that fact. It’s a level above the rest, and revelatory of a level of skill and craft the other queens simply don’t possess. Does Q feel like a winner winner? Mm.. Still hard to say, but god bless her for elevating this season’s fashion game so masterfully.

Finally our bottom three queens Plasma, Mhi’ya, and Geneva, who all find themselves quite rudderless. Plasma, despite earning consistent compliments on her makeup, is unable to capture her own brand. Her doll makes reference to “living in the kitchen refrigerator” and being a “glamorous hag,” both which seem bizarrely far removed from her Old Hollywood actress persona and reference pool. Mhi’ya, who brands her doll “the Queen of Flips,” makes not one flip in her runway presentation. And Geneva Karr seems to look right past the branding gold mine built right into her name, much to Ru’s chagrin.

A little runway charm goes a long way, so Plasma is spared from the bottom this week, leaving Geneva and Mhi’ya in the bottom two. It’s one of those lip syncs that’s over from the moment you see the chyron across the bottom of the screen (‘Control’ by Janet Jackson.) I have no doubt you could head down to the Palace in Miami any Sunday brunch of the month and see Mhi’ya eating this song up. And, as Dawn points out, Mhi’ya has been pretty under the radar most of the competition, so it’s gratifying to finally see her bust out all her tricks. Despite a solid showing from Geneva, Drag Race tends to operate on a “three strikes you’re out” rule, even in more ideal circumstances.

READING RUNDOWN

“Your doll has RuPaul’s legs… you have Danny Devito’s legs.”

“From the neck up? Beauty queen. From the neck down? Horror queen.”

“Coming from you that means so much—”
“It should.”

Motion to add Law Roach as a permanent member of the Drag Race judging panel!!

As one of the internet’s most prominent Black Butta apologists and New York’s most infamous “A.S.M.R. Lover” intellectual, I could not be more thrilled with the lineup of songs for this week’s girl group main challenge. Combine that with a pussycat wig-themed runway (the doors Monet X Change has opened…) and we’ve got the perfect recipe for an excellent episode. Let’s go:

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STAR BABY

Sapphira

Best lyric: “I bring the heat while keeping my cool / I look like this you look a damn fool.”

It should come as no shock to anyone that Sapphira is, yet again, a stand out. Do we think there’s anything she can’t do at this point? This week alone she wins yet another mini-challenge, delivers some of the best lyrics of the week, and all the while finds time to gentle parent Plane Jane. Curbing Plane’s worst impulses, pulling Amanda aside to encourage her to work on her makeup off camera… Sapphira truly is mother to all these bitches. And her output doesn’t suffer in the least because of it. Perhaps too soon to call this Bianca-level dominance, but it certainly calls it to mind. On the runway, Sapphira is just in one of her silly goofy moods in camped up Austin Powers drag with a literal pussycat wig to match. Cherry on top of a great week. It’s giving winner!

Morphine

Best lyric: “Morphine like the drug (but no relation.)”

If it’s not too early to call Sapphira the season’s Den Mother, perhaps it’s not too early to call Morphine the season’s narrator.  Every week there’s at least one confessional of hers that makes me truly belly laugh. This time around it’s her moaning “the gringas are fightinggg,” as she massages her temples. I’d also like to take this opportunity to give her the prestigious Jaida Essence Hall Award for “Best Quick Drag in Mini-Challenge.” While she doesn’t receive effusive praise this week, it’s clear the judges are starting to warm up to her. RuPaul notes her creativity and willingness to change up her silhouette, and Michelle lovingly calls Morphine in to tell her: “You’re more than just a BBL.” May we all be so privileged to hear such moving words of affirmation.

Q

Best lyric: “Just one letter, nobody better.”

ngl I was stretching a little bit to come up with a lyric I liked... But to Q’s credit (at first pass) I liked her verse! Her voice sounded lovely, and her melodic line was hypnotizing. So it’s all the more unfortunate that she came out looking, well… kinda crazy. Not helping matters is that she did so while singing the lyric “serving looks [is] my passion.” I don’t know if it’s fatigue from all her previous high placements, or being stretched too thin from trying to produce her own little spat with Plane Jane in the Werk Room, but we’re witnessing Q’s very first Bad Week™. On the runway at least, she doesn’t stumble as she serves a masterfully constructed Joan of Arc suit of armor with a perfectly sculpted pussycat wig to match. But it’s still not enough to save her from the bottom (more later).

Dawn

Best lyric: “From the stars, laying bars, didn’t you know there’s life on Mars?”

Little pink elf twink is winning me over, I fear. She’s a triple threat: great performance package, memorable confessionals, and an emerging penchant for mild villainy. Performance-wise it’s as polished and precise as we’ve come to expect from Dawn. From the lyrics to the costume, it’s all perfectly calibrated and sickeningly on-brand. On the runway, we watch Michelle probing the structural integrity of the (so far) nearly flawless facade that is Dawn’s drag persona: “I would like to challenge you with the elf ears, we want to see versatility–” she starts. “I got you, babe, don’t worry,” Dawn replies. Oh, I bet she does. It’s clear Dawn came into this competition studied and very prepared. We’re seeing exactly what she wants us to see, exactly when she wants us to see it. Looking forward to more.

COURAGE TO LOVE

Plasma

Best lyric: “Remember girls, rule number one: have fun. Whatever you are, better be a damn good one.”

Listen… I know Plasma did well this week (both in the challenge and on the runway), and I know she gave a technically good performance, but to be honest, I just can’t bring myself to care. If I were to cherry pick reasons to justify my ambivalence I might point to her rather generic lyrics or her extremely simple walking choreography, but the honest truth is that I just don’t connect with her. The most I’ve enjoyed Plasma this season was probably last week during the confessional of her droning on about Barbra Streisand trivia for minutes to no particular end (she’s a yapper just like me fr fr!!) But beyond brief charming moments like that one, I think I’m checked out. I’m not saying we need to ban BFA degree holders from future Drag Race casts, but I am saying we need to raise the bar astronomically higher. Juilliard, Yale, Carnegie Mellon, and UMich only until further notice.

Plane Jane

Best lyric: “Don’t play with me just play that track, don’t break my heart just break my back.”

The only member of her group not to fall into the trap of earnest lyrics when given a very earnest song, Plane Jane shines as a stand out this week much to the chagrin of many (Amanda, especially). All the more impressive that Plane Jane manages to maintain such a relatively high performance standard week-to-week despite being near constantly mired in increasingly pointless conflicts. Some really thrive on the chaos, I suppose. This episode’s fight is with Q. At least, at first. It’s pretty mild all things concerned, but Plane dryly dismisses Q’s bemoaning of four consistent top placements with no wins as the queens dedrag at the top of the episode. “Plane is such a cunt… but I live,” Xunami summarizes. The real question is: where does Plane go from here? With the focus of her ire eliminated, who will Plane turn her hateration on next? Actually even as I say it I know it’s gonna be Megami. Nvm!

Xunami

Best lyric: “Pump, strut, find your light. Turn your hair to the left, then you shake it to the right.”

Xunami is on an upswing. I’ve long been a Haus of Muse stan, but after seeing the first episode I was very worried for Xunami. I feared there was a lack of performance instinct, a level of taste that was yet to be cultivated. But I’ve never been happier to be proven wrong. Xunami is great on the track, opting for a fast-paced flow that immediately elevates her verse above the rest of her girl group sisters, but it’s on the runway where she truly shines in a devastatingly chic Matador-by-way-of-YSL ensemble. But beyond the suit’s perfect fit, it’s her runway strut and flirty persona that really sells the presentation. It’s the clearest glimpse we’ve gotten of Xunami’s star quality to date.

Amanda

Best lyric: “Someone told me that who I am is wrong, but now I trust myself I know that I am strong.”

I don’t think Amanda was bad. She clearly has a knack for choreo, and her lyrics were no less earnest or clever than, say, Plasma’s. The problem is simply that it’s now very plain (pun intended) for all to see that we’ve witnessed the extent of Amanda’s capabilities as relates to this competition. I do feel bad for Amanda watching the judges’ critiques. For, in so many words, RuPaul and Michelle are sharing a similar sentiment that her nemesis Plane Jane has (tactlessly) expressed since the season’s start. RuPaul even goes so far as to directly compare the two’s padding. That cannot be fun. The lucky thing for Amanda is that all these critiques – both from the judges and from Plane – are fixable. Makeup can be practiced, wigs can be volumized, and padding can be smoothed. She leaves this competition with a new built-in fan base, a cast full of new sisters, and a basketful of critiques (both constructive and unconstructive) through which to parse. Not everyone can say that!

A.S.M.R LOVER

Mhi’ya

Best lyric: “You make me feel like a dainty lady, high-heeled boots straight outta Haiti. So 305, so Dade County, with my stank ass walk you know I’m crazy.”

I’ll admit it, I wasn’t sold on Mhi’ya as a team leader, but whatever she did it worked. She whipped these divas into shape! Whatever choreo she was muttering clearly penetrated its way into these girls' psyches because no one missed a beat. And the fact that every single member of their team incorporated whispering into their verses on a song called “A.S.M.R. Lover”? It’s giving musical throughline, it’s giving producer,  it’s giving Max Martin. And on top of Abby Lee Miller-ing these queens, Mhi’ya eeked out one of the best verses of the night! When A.S.M.R. Lover (Mhi’ya’s Version) makes into my top 5 in my 2024 Spotify Wrapped, I don't want to hear SHIT from any of you. Well done, diva.

Megami

Best lyric: “Running over bitches, order up. Drive through.”

I don’t know if I’m totally sold on Megami yet, but I had a lot of fun with her this week. And I will say it takes a lot of presence to keep up with this powerhouse of a team as essentially the only non-dancer (or at least, the dancer with the fewest tricks up her sleeve. On the runway she’s wearing… clothes! But, turns out, it was a smart week to burn a weaker runway, because she picks up a win anyway (a quarter of one at least).

Geneva

Best lyric: “If you wanna read there’ll be subtitles down here so you can keep up, because baby I am fierce.”

A much needed (and deserved) reprieve from the bottom for Geneva tonight after a couple tragic weeks in a row. Her lip sync skills hardly come as a surprise (after all we’ve watched her flex them every episode up until now), but her whip smart lyrics that she pairs with them are a true delight. Doing a split and a point on the lyric “subtitles down here”? I mean come on. Geneva’s track record is looking up!

Nymphia

Best lyric: “Breaking wind, serving fashion. Acting up like Ru said ‘Action!’”

The girls (Sapphira) are growing wise to Nymphia’s tricks. To see how she acted this entire episode is to believe Nymphia has two left feet and learned to speak English yesterday. Astute viewers will remember similar shenanigans during the Mother Ball, and the outcomes are much the same. Now, just as back then, Nymphia murders this challenge. I don’t know if her feigning incompetence is an intimidation tactic, a savvy method of self-producing her storylines, or both, but I do know that it’s working. And on the runway – no surprise here – Nymphia stuns yet again. It’s a triple wig reveal that leaves the judges positively squealing with delight. When it comes to Nymphia, it’s literally and figuratively pussy all the way down. While Team Mhi’ya claims this win as a whole, I don’t think it would have been a stretch had Nymphia been awarded it solo. With two wins under her belt, Nymphia shoots to frontrunner status (if she wasn’t already.)

After critiques and wins are doled out, Amanda and Q are left to lip sync to guest judge duo Icona Pop’s track “Emergency.” As far as this season’s lip syncs go, it’s unfortunately the most forgettable. There’s little joy in watching these two queens – both visibly frustrated and defeated – battle it out to an all but predetermined outcome. Q is a clear early frontrunner of the season, and her narrative is in its nascent stages, while Amanda’s is quite obviously at its end. Meating adjourned!

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Well… those were some clunkers! The temptation when there’s bad Drag Race sketch comedy is to blame the writing. And while that instinct certainly has precedent (I’ve had Breastworld Eternal Sunshine’d from my mind) I don’t think that’s necessarily fair here. Were some of the jokes shitty? Of course. But Branderson Cooper and Brandi Cohen hosting an end of the world countdown? Solid premise! Interviewing the brick thrown at Stonewall who thinks she should be more famous? Good character idea! So no, unfortunately, I don’t think the producer/writers pitching these ideas are to blame here. So what went wrong?

It starts in the Werkroom, when the queens gather around the couches for a read through and casting session. Plasma – the self-described Old Hollywood/Broadway queen who sang the first episode – refuses to play a Barbra Streisand character until forced, Mirage – the quiet, shy lip syncer – fights Sapphira to play the only character with a lengthy solo monologue, and Q – who impersonated Judy Garland last week to great acclaim – opts to play the Stonewall brick instead of a member of the Babz barbershop quartet. Are we starting to see the problem? I don’t know if it’s youthful inexperience, the pressure cooker of Drag Race, or Plane Jane’s radioactive vibe poisoning the air they breathe, but these girls simply don’t understand their own strengths! We’re witnessing a mass identity crisis. Lorne Michaels, where ARE you?? Our ports in the storm – that is, only girls who seem to have their heads on straight – are Dawn, who insists that Plasma take the part that could’ve been written for her; Sapphira, who is more than happy to watch Mirage hoist herself on her own petard; and Plane Jane, who understands intrinsically that her vibe is mean dumb slut.

Issues continue in the cold open, where Xunami, Morphine, and Mhi’ya play three extremely generic TV hosts counting down to the apocalypse. Many punch ups to be had here. Perhaps Morphine as “Brandi Cohen” might have added a deep Andy Cohen-esque rasp to her voice. Or Xunami as “Branderson Cooper” might have put on a pair of glasses and acted sheepish and buttoned up. However, costume-wise, the pair seem more inclined to go a drunk Today Show host route, which also could’ve worked great. Laugh at all your own jokes! Bring a coffee mug and keep asking for more white wine! Anything to anchor these characters in a trope the audience could recognize and latch onto would have worked wonders. So when Ru singles out Mhi’ya for having a lack of “levels” in her performance it feels bizarre. She’s right of course, but was she any less dynamic than her two co-stars? As Lindsey Graham, Geneva has the easiest job of the bunch, which makes her dismal performance all the more crazy. Sporting a snakeskin dress and Guy Fieri wig, she bears not even a passing resemblance to the infamous senator in appearance or voice. It’s pretty unsalvageable, and it lands Geneva in the bottom for the second week in a row (but more on that later.)

Joining Geneva in the bottom is Mirage. Her monologue goes about as well as can be expected, which is to say… not great. Mirage is nervous, and you can see her practically apologizing for being up there in her body language as she shrinks into herself between jokes. It takes a particular type of delusional confidence to stand on an empty stage and deliver deeply mid punchlines to profound silence while hoping against hope that a laugh track will be added in post – a confidence Mirage just doesn’t possess. 

The rest of the sketches, at least, provide a little reprieve. The Barbra Shop Quartet is easily the most fully formed. While light on jokes, each queen has the good sense to commit to a vibe. Plasma does a solid Barbra nasility, Nymphia has the joke cadence down and isn’t afraid to look silly, and Sapphira (the consummate pro) is probably the best of the entire cast at landing a punchline. Dawn and Amanda both admirably commit to their self-serious news anchor personas in the weekend update sketch, and Q (somewhat bafflingly) receives immense praise for her performance as the brick thrown at Stonewall, a forgotten gay icon who just wants her flowers. But the MVP of the night is quite clear: in the Thick & Long Deck Service sketch, Plane Jane dances comedy circles around just about everybody else in the room. It pains me to say it, but say it I must. No one holds a candle to Plane this week. It’s especially frustrating given how much her star is otherwise in such deep decline. Instead of doubling down on villainy, she opens the episode with a half-assed apology to Amanda Tori Meating. It’s not sincere enough to be redeeming, and not brazen enough to be villainous. Plane now occupies an odd middle ground: not fun enough to root for, nor evil enough to love to hate. I think RuPaul can sense this murky territory as well, which is why they elect to give the win this week to Plasma. To her credit, Plasma did a solid Barbra, and was successfully able to add her own spin to a sketch without a lot of jokes. While not particularly satisfying, her win is not totally unearned.

That said, I don’t think a bad sketch challenge is necessarily a searing indictment of these queens’ overall comedic abilities. Even SNL has a hard time doing SNL well every week, and they have Heidi Gardner and Ego Nwodim. Geneva Karr is many things – singer/songwriter, lip purser, glasses model, latina – but uncanny impressionist and revered Groundlings alumna she is not.

The runway this week is “Everything Every Cher All At Once,” the natural extension of season 10’s Cher the Rusical. In a nice bit of symmetry that the queens with the most impactful runways (Sapphira, Q, Plasma, Plane) are also the challenge standouts, widening the gap between them and the rest of the pack. In a bit of LePaija Vu, Mhi’ya and Geneva land in the bottom three once again, this time joined by Mirage. When Ru calls Mhi’ya safe, I was positive we were about to witness Mirage – the Swiffer of Las Vegas – wipe the floor with Geneva. But a very different story unfolded. Plasma astutely summarizes: “The only person I can watch is Mirage, because she is giving performance down… and then I realize her mouth doesn’t match the words.” And to RuPaul – who’d already clocked Mirage for this once during critiques already mind you – there’s no greater sin on this earth than not knowing a Cher song. No amount of heel clacks or back contortions in the world can save Mirage now, for her fate is sealed.

It’s a shocker to lose Mirage this early, an early fan favorite and the first viral queen of the season. No doubt the outcry in her defense will be uproarious if it isn’t already. (which is kinda the best thing that can happen to a Ru girl). Geneva skates through to another week, and the rest of the girls can breathe easier knowing that a true lip sync assassin is gone for good.

READING RUNDOWN

Plane: “I’m here to shine like the big bright star that I am–”

Amanda: “Stars are full of gas, baby.”

Amanda getting her lick back… Plane Jane, it is SO bad for you…

Q: “It’s just an opinion, girl! One that a lot of people share.”

This really got me. Such a loving read of Plasma LMAO. Immediately adding this one my repertoire.

Plasma: “I can’t help but wonder if Dawn thinks she’s royally screwed herself.”

I don’t know if it’s the jacked up cash prize, an inherent generational Gen Z viciousness, or the spirit of Joan Rivers possessing these girls, but meanness is BACK, baby! The queens are together at last, and while Plane Jane still holds the highest at-bat percentage for abject cruelty, almost every queen gets a couple great swings in. Within seconds of laying eyes on each other, Dawn tells us that Megami is the “Eeyore of drag,” Plane Jane calls Amanda a goblin creature, and Morphine tells the group Plane Jane is her ugly step sister. Again, this is by minute count 04:15. Additionally, RuPaul drops the bomb that immunity comes in the form of “potions” and is transferable?? The Survivorification of Drag Race continues apace… We are truly off to the races.

The backdrop for this unofficial roast is the “The Mother of All Balls,” (a well-timed wink at now internet-ubiquitous “mother” lingo) where the queens must prepare three looks: “Mother Goose” (nursery rhyme couture, P.S. I looove when you can tell Drag Race is running out of pitches), “Significant Mother” (referencing a famous mother), and “Call Me Mother/Father Eleganza” (creating a runway-ready look out of upcycled menswear). Most of the episode is spent in the Werkroom, which – with a different cast of queens – might have been boring, but turns out to be an absolute treat. It’s like watching 14 different “get ready with me” TikToks simultaneously and all the influencers are hyper-competitive egomaniacs. A feast for the senses.

The first feud we’re teased with is a self-imposed one: Dawn has her eyes on the prize this week the only threat to her domination is seamstress extraordinaire Q. “I think we’re engaged in a little bit of a battle today,” Dawn tells Geneva. Q, too, knows Dawn is no slouch. She refers to Dawn as “her biggest competition” before hunching over her Singer sewing machine, in focus-mode for the remainder of the episode. Dawn then briefly turns her gaze to Sapphira in an (unsuccessful) attempt to intimidate. “A groundbreaking idea,” she teases. “You be groundbreaking, I’ll just be stunning,” Sapphira whips back. 

 On the runway, despite Dawn’s best efforts, it’s kinda no competition. Don’t get me wrong, she’s good: I particularly like her Audrey Hepburn dress. The reference is immediately clear even without the accompanying photo, and it fits her like a glove. However, despite being well-constructed, Dawn’s looks just aren’t reading as well on TV as the rest of her competition. While Q’s and Sapphira’s looks are an event, Dawn’s are… an intimate gathering. As another mother, Mariah Carey, once astutely sang: a press conference vs a conversation. Q, on the other hand, doesn’t miss one look. Her man in the moon look is gorgeous and conceptual, her recreation of Judy Garland’s poppy dress (complete with mic cord) is truly exquisite – one of my absolute favorites of the night – and her final couture as impressive as we’ve already come to expect from her. The flannel tapestry she creates is Vivienne Westwood meets Viktor&Rolf meets birth of Venus. No notes. Sapphira is also pretty unimpeachable. Or should I say unimpumpkinable? Her Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater look is as visually stunning as it is logistically confounding. (Seriously, are these girls chartering cargo planes to set these days??) Her final couture looks is also great, a fun exaggerated silhouette that really evokes the “menswear” aspect of the category’s directive. When the judges reveal she is merely safe, Dawn is – in a word – plucked. Our ethereal Brooklyn queen has been fully outmaneuvered by her more seasoned counterparts.

But outmaneuvering them all is the sleeper agent of season 16, Nymphia Wind. Is she a kooky weirdo? An agent of chaos? A highly competent and calculated drag queen assassin? She could very well be all three. While Dawn is focused on the industrious Q and all-rounder Sapphira, Nymphia flies completely under her radar. As she flits about the room, giggling and parroting Spanish phrases like a cunty little Duolingo owl, she’s simultaneously interrogating Plane Jane, who she clearly suspects (accurately) of sabotaging her chances at a top two placement last week. Who, speaking of, barely escapes the queens’ ire this week thanks only to RuPaul’s mercy. But the truth may still come out… For despite a lack of concrete evidence, Nymphia is not convinced. In fact, her one-woman Good Cop/Bad Cop routine almost trips up Plane Jane enough to confess. Almost. And through it all: the Spanish messenger pigeoning, the Plane Jane inquistion, the silliness… Nymphia is concocting the chicest and most high-fashion look of the evening: a sculptural trompe l'oeil of ties blowing in the wind, complete with handmade accessories and an altered oxford button down. Combine that with her lovely interpretation of Angelina Jolie’s doodled-upon wedding dress and a stunning “little boy blue” nursery rhyme get up, and it’s clear Nymphia is a force to be reckoned with. The judges eat it up, and with no Plane Jane shenanigans can get in her way this time, Nymphia scores her first win.

Way down at the other end of the spectrum (the bad end) we find three queens I’m a little surprised to see struggling so soon. For all her confidence towards the beginning of the episode, and explicit digs at Morphine, Mhi’ya Iman LePaige is in the bottom three this week. Hard to say whether her looks were truly bottom worthy. For sure, her Lil’ Kim look was a little unpolished and not too faithful to the reference photo, and yeah, her final menswear look was nothing awe-inspiring, but overall I thought Mhi’ya demonstrated a competence that some of the other queens sorely lacked. However, it is a little disappointing to see how uncomfortable Mhi’ya is on TV. “I’m getting a timid feeling from you,” RuPaul offers, throwing her a bone. “No,” Mhi’ya replies. Well… ok then!

Awkward moment aside, Mhi’ya is the clear safe choice here when compared to her bottom three compatriots Hershii and Geneva. Geneva fell hard this week, from near-challenge winner to near-first eliminated queen. She fails in her recreation of a casual Selma Hayek look, and offers a bewilderingly simple two-piece ensemble for her couture menswear presentation. Hershii, on the other hand, offers one excellent look (Burnie Bee) and two looks so bad as to erase all the goodwill she built up in that first runway walk. It’s tough to watch play out like this, but the charming Los Angeles queen was just simply not ready for Drag Race. The competition is just too steep for her to be entering at this level.

But at the very least, she goes out on a solid note. Geneva and Hershii duke it out to “You’re the Problem” by Ava Max and it’s not a blowout. Hershii gets her licks in, and elicits a couple laughs before ultimately being out-maneuvered and out paced by Geneva, who’s quite determined not to head home just yet. She emerges victorious, and we kiss goodbye to Hershii.

If there’s one bummer about being this early in the season it’s the sheer amount of moments I have to skip over in the interests of time. So to close out this week let’s do a...

READING RUNDOWN:

“Amanda! You’re prettier without that makeup.”
–RuPaul to Amanda

JEEEEESUS CHRIST. How do you come back from this? Realistically. I think at this point I personally would wave down the nearest PA and have them book me a flight back to LaGuardia.

RuPaul: “Do you know [Mhi’ya]?”

Morphine: “I know of her. I’ve seen her perform a couple times. I’ve given her a dollar.”

Many online do not see the vision of Morphine Love Dion, but I do. This is deep shade of Willam proportions. I hang on her every word, and I feel she’ll only grow more iconic as the season progresses. Who else is giving us turns of phrases like “she looks like seaweed wrapped around a breadstick”?

“What you can expect from Mirage is a skintight mini dress, an 8 inch heel, and a smile.”
–Mirage

I love this queen. She’s a minimal presence for now, but everything about her vibe leads me to believe she’s the most good-natured little weirdo. Clack your heels some more slutty Vegas girl!!

There’s plenty to dissect this week: the return of the beloved TS Madison. The rise of a possible Drag Race supervillain. Adult braces. Me learning who Becky G is. It’s a whole new crop of queens and a pithy-ass recap. Let’s go:

Hershi LiqCuor-Jete

I will truly neverrr get tired of how drag queens spell their names. Substack spellcheck continues to fight for its life every goddamn day. Keep it up, girls! A Drag Race nepo sibling, a father of two, a wig glue enthusiast, Hershi is a true multi-hyphenate of the modern age. Women really can have it all! And on a personal level, Hershi is a certified sweetie pie. Sure, she isn’t super successful at volleying back and forth with Ru and TS Madison in the *checks notes* “SheMV Mini-challenge,” but she makes up for it with a can-do attitude and sunny disposition. 

A true daughter of Ru, Hershi uses her first moment on TV as an opportunity to hawk her wares: “Whiplash” wig glue. According to legend, (Hershi’s number), Whiplash is a remarkably strong and toxic adhesive that Hershi discovered while on a jungle safari. Upon returning home, Hershi decided to bottle and sell this mysterious substance in Los Angeles back alleys as a wig glue for drag queens. The American dream, baby!! Seriously though, I kinda loved Hershi’s number. On every whip crack of the song, Hershi forcefully snaps her neck. And though her hair flies every which way, her wig cap doesn’t move an inch. I’m sold. She should do this number on Shark Tank. On the runway, the judges lightly read Hershi for her dress length, but overall it’s a positive first impression. Go, Hershi!

Megami

Next, “the geek chic goddess of Brooklyn and the barbie of Staten Island,” Megami. Well, I’m quite curious about the mechanics of these two titles, namely, how exactly one is apotheosized when crossing the Verrazano Bridge. But that aside, Megami failed to make too much of an impression on me this episode. Not particularly witty in the mini challenge, not particularly good in her talent show, and not particularly on-assignment for the runway. In fact, the part of her talent show performance I most appreciated is how it served as a vector for Plane Jane’s villainy (but more on that later…)

But in the interest of equality, let’s discuss the performance just a tad. Megami performs a lip sync to 4 Non Blondes’ “What’s Up?” as a tribute/protest to drag bans and anti LGBTQ legislation across the country. A couple thoughts on this: first, we need to ban holding up signs in a drag number. If your performance requires a bibliography to be understood then perhaps it’s time to retool the storytelling. Second, I do find it a little funny that over the lyric “oh my god do I pray / for a revolution” Megami chose to hold up a sign asking us all to register to vote. Queen of optimistic electoralism!! Plane Jane savagely summarizes: “Protect queer art… but is she giving us anything worth protecting? That’s the question.” That’s gotta be the meanest most out of pocket thing I’ve ever heard. (I agree.)

Mhi’ya Iman LaPaige

On to Mhi’ya Iman LaPaige, or “the queen of flips.” Now here’s a self-proclaimed title that I actually believe. I, along with the rest of the internet, have been stanning Miss LaPaige for years as she’s flipped, dipped, and flung herself off tour buses at the Palace Bar in Miami. But who’s the woman behind the acrobatics? Well… still TBD. Whether because she wanted to sit back and observe the other girls or because she simply couldn’t get a word in edgewise, Mhi’ya was a mostly silent presence this episode. Though, of course, her wallflower tendencies evaporated when it came time to perform.

In her talent number, Mhi’ya never slows for a moment. As she bucks about the stage, we see flashes of a sparkly dance costume, giant hair, and a mouth full of bright white teeth held in a neat line by silver braces. It’s like a toddler from Toddlers In Tiaras took HGH (complimentary). Her only downfall this episode is how much her reputation precedes her. We all knew exactly what the queen of flips was capable of and we’d expect no less from her. That said, I expect Mhi’ya will be surprising us in due time.

Plasma

Plasma describes herself as “a 65 year old woman inhabiting a gorgeous 24 year old’s body.” Love! No complaints here, I stan any queen who – as a young gay boy – was clearly raised by his grandmother on a steady diet of Judy Garland videos and Werther’s originals. On Drag Race this particular trope ranges from immensely successful (Jinkx Monsoon) to infamously iconic (Robbie Turner), so either way we’re in for a treat. Plasma is a sharp wit: she’s quick with the one-liners in the mini, and she’s got a rolodex full  of witty rejoinders ready to go when kikiing in the Werk Room. The one issue she seems to be having? Editing.

In the talent show, Plasma attempts a hybrid performance: part-burlesque, part-cabaret singer, part impressionist, and part-comedian. It’s a tough act to pull off, and to her credit none of it flops. But to Michelle’s point, none of it soars either. So after her 60 second performance, we’re left with more questions than answers about Plasma’s drag persona. And, personally speaking, I could do without seeing another Jennifer Coolidge impression for the rest of my life. On the runway, Plasma pulls off a cute and campy tomato-themed reveal, cementing her place firmly in the middle of the pack. But hey, always leave ‘em wanting more, right? (I’m sure Plasma could tell you which old Hollywood biddie said that.)

Nymphia Wind

Of all the queens we’ve met so far Nymphia has the clearest branding by a mile. Not to mention this “Banana Buddha” seems to be an early favorite among the Drag Race internet illuminati, no doubt due to the combo of her memorable, oddball entrance line and her truly gorgeous face. The Internet loves a hot weirdo. 

And so far, it seems like that early hype was not misplaced. In the span of a single episode, Nymphia manages to show us her comedy chops in the mini, her grace and dance talent in the main, and a keen aesthetic eye on the runway. Speaking of, “stages in the life cycle of a banana” is a runway story I didn’t know I needed this badly. I just know Jeremy Scott is positively quaking in his Moschino boots right now. If the votes had shaken out slightly differently, Nymphia easily could have found herself in the top two this episode… but more on that later!

Geneva “Vroom Vroom” Karr

Now for the first of our top two this week, Geneva “Vroom Vroom” Karr. The first US Drag Race queen born in Mexico, Geneva takes her responsibility to represent her culture very seriously. Or very seriously in a gorgeously stupid way, that is. She doesn’t make too much of an impression early in the ep, but when it comes to the talent show, honey, she shines. 

She opens her lip sync number with an offstage call of “Vroom vroom! Somebody cleared customs!” Perfection tbh. Upon first watch, I wasn’t as enamored with her number as the judges and other queens seemed to be, but in retrospect, that number really did something to me. Geneva’s extremely simple refrain continues to rattle around my brain. The closest analogue I can give you is Ryan Gosling taking the Voight-Kampff test in BLADE RUNNER 2049, but instead of “within cells interlinked” I’m repeating “I’m Geneva / The diva mas Latina.” She claims a top two spot this episode and of course, the title of the diva who is indeed mas latina.

Plane Jane

Finally, hailing from Russia by way of Boston, it’s Plane Jane. After this episode, it’s clear to me that Plane Jane is one of the biggest bitches and one of the most profound haters this show has seen in a long, long time (complimentary.) Within seconds of walking in the door, she refers to a group she just met as “the brick squad,” and tells Mhi’ya Iman LaPaige that she’s “never seen a corset add weight to somebody.” Again, this is two business minutes into meeting a group of queens she’s locked in quarantine with for the next two months. And she doesn’t even let up when she learns the queens will be judging each other this episode.

In the modern age of Drag Race we rarely see true mean-spiritedness. Gone are the days of season 6 Gia Gunn or Season 2 Raven, when queens did not live their lives in fear of fandom reactions to their unsavory TV personas… or are they? By the end of the episode, it seems clear that the top three will be some combination of Plane Jane, Geneva, and Nymphia. But a 66% chance isn’t good enough for Plane Jane. So, after killing the crowd with her original song “Burger Fingers” (which FWIW I thought was good not great), Plane Jane executes a gambit no queen this season has yet had the balls to. She strategically ranks every queen the judges praised at the bottom, while ranking the most negatively critiqued queens at the top. And it works. 

Plane Jane lands in the top two this episode with fellow original song lip syncer Geneva Karr, and they duke it out to “Shower” by Becky G. And while she doesn’t have the tricks or the flexibility of her opponent, she does have a big ass breast plate with giant areolas. And much like Sapphira last week, nip slips reign supreme. Her breast plate strategically deployed, Plane Jane does all she can to (sometimes literally) upstage Geneva, who does little to intervene. It’s no contest: Plane Jane wins the day.

But the central question remains: is Plane Jane ushering in a new era of villainy? By Drag Race metrics, her machinations were handsomely rewarded. Plane Jane leaves the episode with a challenge win and immunity under her belt (apparently to use at her discretion.) But there’s one more POV to consider before I mark this season as the beginning of a villain renaissance. How will the fandom at large react to Plane Jane’s display? While so far her jabs and plottings may fall under the laws of war, I fear Plane Jane might quickly find herself crossing a line. A line that may make for some great TV, but poor booking prospects in a post-Drag Race world. But alas, only time will tell. 

For now, Plane Jane has won the battle, and next week all of our Season 16 queens will all finally be united as one. It’s all happening!! See you then.